Fair play

I was running the Whack-the-Malteaser stall yet again this year. My sister put me on it the first year I helped out at the ‘fun day’ she organises every summer at the day centre for people with learning difficulties, and I’ve been running it every year since. This year I asked if I could go on the lucky dip instead, but she said no. Her clients don’t like change, she said. Because they are used to seeing me on the Whack-the-Malteaser stall, they expect to see me on it again this year. This is true, I suppose. People with learning difficulties are remarkably conservative. In fact, one could almost say that conservatism and autism go hand in hand.

Basically, the Whack-the-Malteaser stall is a wooden table, which I stand behind. Fixed upright to the table is a clear plastic tube with a short curve at the bottom, like a drainpipe. Up wobbles a person with learning difficulties. I charge him or her 20p and hand them a wooden mallet. If necessary I offer advice on which end of the mallet normally gives the most effective results, then I take a Malteaser out of the box and drop it down the tube. To win a prize, the person wielding the mallet has to flatten the Malteaser with a single blow as it shoots out of the bottom of the tube.

The rules insist that the Malteaser must be crushed by a single blow within the marked area. Tempting as it might be, you can’t rain blows on it as it rolls across the table. Nor can you whack it when it’s come to a halt against the little wooden railing that prevents it from rolling off the table. One whack, in the designated area, as it comes out, and that’s it.