Watching Education Secretary Justine Greening discuss grammar schools this week, I felt exasperated and in desperate need of a cognac. And it wasn’t because I’m opposed to grammar schools. No, there was something else bothering me: the cold air as Greening stared into the camera. It was the sort of look that could kill you slowly over time, especially when paired with such mechanical, uninspiring words. It left me as cold as Paul Nuttall’s head. And it was then I realised something: this is all Theresa May’s fault. She might have worried about the Tories being seen as the ‘nasty party’. She need not have done. Instead, she’s in danger of turning them into the zombie party.
When she took over from David Cameron in the heady days after the referendum, I’ll confess that I was excited. May seemed the perfect person to lead a country that had its knickers in a twist over Brexit, and many were inspired by her sensible, tough and emotionless approach. Unfortunately, it is this latter quality that I have come to despise. It makes me want Dave back. Cameron, at least, had a warmth and a way of engaging people that is absent in the current Conservative Party. From Spreadsheet Phil to Liz Truss, they’re the fleshy equivalent of Nytol. Even when one of Hammond’s old conquests went on the BBC to tell everyone how he was a good snogger and liked discos, I remained unconvinced. I’ve seen him read out the budget, after all. And don’t get me started on his Question Time performances, which should be taped and handed out by the NHS as insomniac treatment.
I get why the zombie party has happened. Since the referendum and US election, it seems most people have an appetite for more moderate politics. The Conservatives are simply trying to serve what they perceive to be a new demand for considered, reasoned rhetoric. But they could still try and do so with a smile on their faces. It isn’t only the words that are grey and joyless, it’s the facial expressions, too. When Theresa May says ‘Brexit means Brexit’ she may as well be pointing out that: ‘Tesco means Tesco’, for all the excitement it generates.
Of course, there’s an argument that poor Justine Greening’s lack of enthusiasm this week might say more about her reluctance towards grammar schools. But either way, she’s far from alone in sending us all to sleep: from Spreadsheet Phil and Chris Grayling through to the safe-but-stale Sir Michael Fallon, the Government seems to be doing its best to bore us all into submission. Even Boris, our only hope of excitement, is toning down the joy. For everyone’s sake, it’s time the Tories realised that moderate politics need not mean boring politics.
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