After Spotify sacked/let go/‘mutually agreed to part ways’ with, in the words of one of its executives, those ‘f-ing grifters’ Harry and Meghan, there have much discussion about where it all went wrong for the podcasting pair. The general consensus is that the Sussexes may have overestimated public interest in anything they have to say beyond self-pitying tittle-tattle. Their recent statement that they’re not even going to do that any more makes you wonder what else they have stocked up in their ideas cupboard, and why the world would want to pay it their attention.
The duff duo haven’t even been paid the full $20 million (£16 million) they signed up for back in 2020. But, then again, the first episode of ‘Archetypes’ didn’t appear until two years later and only 12 podcasts in total were ever put out. If Harry and Meghan do get the cash, it would work out at roughly half-a-million dollars a pop. At the very least, this rate of return shows a refreshingly British attitude to work, and proudly flies the flag for our famously high productivity.
The first episode of ‘Archetypes’ didn’t appear for two years
Maybe though, when it comes to the dismal failure of their podcast, the Sussexes were on the wrong foot to begin with. Rather than opting for the easily-made, easily-clippable-for-juicy-bits interview format, they should have gone down the paths of other well established and popular podcasts. So, in the positive Archewellian spirit of activated compassion, here are some ideas for new Sussex podcasts:
The Spooky Podcast: The BBC’s Uncanny is a huge hit, narrated by a man called Danny Robins who sounds – uncannily – like Tony Blair. It’s very effectively mounted and can be quite disquieting in a mild way, until you give the ‘investigation’ of the week any thought. Classics include: ‘I thought I saw someone that looked quite like someone else’ and ‘The lift in my dilapidated student hall of residence forty years ago made a funny noise’. There is a lot of ‘Satan himself walked into my bedroom at 3am, but when I looked back he was gone’, because looking away is obviously what you’d do: ‘Ho-hum, not the Prince of Darkness again, seen it, I’ll just check my WhatsApps’.
Now, Harry must surely have some spooky tales to tell, from bagpipes playing by themselves on braw bricht moonlicht nichts at Balmoral, to corgis barking at clanking armour and rattling chains at Windsor. Also he has an inbuilt edge over the competition. He’s one of the very few people who could accurately identify a spectral ancestor just by checking with nearby portraits. Meghan’s role could be to lay the troubled spirits to rest, not by exorcism – too judgmental – but by mindfulness, asking them how ghostphobic society has oppressed them.
The Advice Podcast: With their common touch, Harry and Meghan would make a surefire success of this. Someone hurt your feelings? Just hire a KC and sue them. Family getting you down? Bin ‘em, trash ‘em, and run off to LA. Money worries? Easy. Just inherit it, or marry into millions of pounds.
The Rest Is Royalty: Amiable lightweight banter and nuggets of fun facts. Harry and Meghan could develop jokey, mock-combative personas. ‘Did you know we’re not allowed to eat shellfish at the same meal in case we all get food poisoning? Crazy!’ Harry could opine on his newly-developed political understanding and everyone could say ‘how clever!’ and just forget anything he ever did previously. If Alastair Campbell can pull that off, Harry surely can. After all, people actually used to like Harry.
The True Crime podcast: Keep the listeners glued by investigating cold cases with twists and turns and bombshells. Meghan could shine here, as she would be able to finger the true culprits in every case: capitalism, the patriarchy, lack of hydrotherapy wellness sessions in the serial killer’s childhood, etc. Harry could just blame the papers or the Tories.
The Identity Podcast: Harry is obviously miles behind Meghan on the diversity and inclusion front, but he does have a card to play. How about ‘Young, Gifted And Red’ – a right royal look at gingerphobia, ginger under-representation in the media, evidence that historical figures such as Cleopatra or Mary Seacole were ginger, and the effect on the strawberry blond community of hurtful and totally uncalled-for slurs such as ‘carrot top’ and ‘Wotsit face’.
Father and Son podcast: There are many of these intergenerational extravaganzas across all media. Jack Whitehall and Bradley Walsh have cashed in on this format on TV. Should the rumours be true about Harry wanting back in with his old man, what better way, what more Sussex way, to effect a reconciliation but to stream it live? They could even set off on jaunts together. How about ‘Chas and Haz’s Transylvanian Adventure’? (Which could fit neatly into the spooky category too.)
There you go, your Highnesses: six whizzo ideas. That’ll be nine million dollars, thank you.
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