Alex Massie

Holden Caulfield’s State of the Union

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Courtesy of Erica Grieder:

Good evening, Madame Speaker. I'm always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. But I'm not going to tell you my whole goddam autobiography or anything. I'll just tell you about this madman stuff that happened to me last year.

It started with the economy. Bailout. There's a word I really hate. It's a phony. I could puke every time I hear it.

We all hated each other's guts after that. You could see there wasn't any sense trying to have an intelligent conversation. I was sorry as hell I'd started. But if you're supposed to sock somebody in the jaw, and you sort of feel like doing it, you should do it. I'm just no good at it though. I'd rather push a guy out the window or chop his head off with an ax than sock him in the jaw. I hate fist fights. I don't mind getting hit so much—although I'm not crazy about it, naturally—but what scares me most in a fist fight is the guy's face. I can't stand looking at the other guy's face, is my trouble. It wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded or something.

By now it should be fairly obvious that I didn't take on health care because it was good politics. I had to sit there and listen to that crap. I was surrounded by jerks. I'm not kidding. It certainly was a dirty trick.

Whole splendid thing here.

Written byAlex Massie

Alex Massie is Scotland Editor of The Spectator. He also writes a column for The Times and is a regular contributor to the Scottish Daily Mail, The Scotsman and other publications.

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