Jaspistos

House rules

House rules

In Competition No. 2394 you were invited to supply a rhymed poem offering four parental vetoes on children’s behaviour, followed by four juvenile vetoes on parental behaviour. Exhausted and sleepless, back two days late due to botched air travel, I shall cut the cackle. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, except W.J. Webster, who takes £30. Bon voyage, this summer!

Don’t spend a lifetime watching screens —
There is another world outside.
And music’s best not amplified
Until you can’t hear what it means.
Self-cleaning rooms aren’t Nature’s trick,
So don’t leave litter to decay.
And ‘like’ is a word you shouldn’t say
When it’s just like ‘you know’ a tic.
Don’t think you get away with jeans —
If looks could kill, they’re suicide.
And if you still have any pride,
Don’t ever dance alongside teens.
A movie isn’t called a ‘flick’ —
Those words you use have had their day.
And just accept you’re going grey:
You know that hair that’s dyed looks sick.
W.J. Webster















The bathroom is for all. Thou shalt not stay
Self-titivating there for half the day.
Thou shalt not, either, play thy ghastly pop
As loud as a bombardment and non-stop.
At breakfast-time thou shalt not sit there mute
Or only speak to stir up a dispute,
Nor shalt thou ever, although short of cash,
In search of ganja raid thy parents’ stash.
Thanks for the no-nos. Here are some for you:
Don’t stereotype the young the way you do.
Don’t diss the music you don’t understand;
We don’t diss Lennon, Dylan or The Band.
Don’t pry, don’t spy, don’t lecture and don’t nag.
A sanctimonious parent is a drag.
But most of all — this is the golden rule —
Don’t always be so desperate to seem cool.
Basil Ransome-Davies















Your pimpmobile must not block in our Saab
Till you get up and clamour for bicarb;
You can’t use this address when making bets,
And squash our credit rating with your debts;
Don’t dump old sofas on us for repairs,
(Or desks, or orthopaedic backless chairs);
Don’t tax your dad for funds when you are low:
Supposedly, you left home months ago.
Don’t







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