More than 200,000 people have schlepped down the ley lines for another year of ‘Glasto’. It’s tempting to deride these people: they’ll stink, they’re anchorless hedonists, they’re blue-haired hippies. However, they’ve got tickets to Glastonbury and I haven’t, so they win.
Actually going to the festival, however, is a minority experience. More of us will be watching it on TV. And whether you dig the Glastonbury vibe or not, there’s plenty of good music for all across this weekend.
The most important thing to remember, though, is to watch as little of the coverage as possible. It’s fluff. For three whole days, everything is ‘fantastic’, everyone will ‘bring it’ and ‘vibes’ will always be ‘elite’ for the gawping BBC presenters. Every year I look at the anchors and think of Thomas Hardy:
The smile on your mouth was the deadest thing
Alive enough to have strength to die.
So you’ve got to know when the music’s on. The first act worth a watch is whoever mystery band the ‘Churn-Ups’ are. They’re scheduled to play the Pyramid Stage at 6.15 p.m. today (BBC Two), but the Churn-Ups don’t actually exist. Rapid sleuths suggested the ‘Churn-Ups’ could be Pulp (geddit?). But most now think it will be the Foo Fighters: frontman Dave Grohl wrote on Twitter last week that he was enjoying ‘churning up’ emotions with the crowd. The Sun also reported that the band have booked up some hotel rooms near the festival, so it seems likely. Their show should be interesting, since it’s their first major performance with their new drummer, Josh Freese, after Taylor Hawkins’s death last year aged 50.
Today promises some other highlights earlier on: Bill Murray’s new girlfriend Kelis (no, you don’t need your head checked) will be bringing her milkshake to Somerset, and rockers Royal Blood will be playing (BBC Two, 9 p.m.). It’s something of an image rehabilitation opportunity for them. Last month, they stormed off from Radio 1’s Big Weekend because the fans didn’t like their Proper Rock music enough. Frontman Mike Kerr gave the audience the middle finger: ‘Who likes rock music? Nine people. Brilliant. We’re having to clap ourselves because that was so pathetic.’ So sparks could fly if the audience doesn’t applaud enough. Fred Again, the mega-popular DJ for Durham grads living in Clapham, is on at 8.30 p.m. (iPlayer).
Roll out of bed on Saturday and watch Rick Astley at 12 p.m. (iPlayer). He should be fun. Then there’s a good length of time you should probably go outside for, as the bulk of the afternoon is quite barren. Stay far away from Lewis Capaldi and Lizzo (both 9 p.m., BBC One), two artists that require head trauma to enjoy. Central Cee might be worth a watch on the Other Stage at 8.45 p.m. (iPlayer). He’s from Shepherd’s Bush, and he’s one of the biggest names in UK drill. Surprisingly tongue-in-cheek comments about modern life can be expected from him (‘Told her that I’m a Gemini / Now she on Google checkin’ the compatibility’).
Saturday’s headliner is Guns N’ Roses (10 p.m., BBC Two). Anyone who’s seen one of their gigs since 1991 knows this is a risky choice. Singer Axl Rose and guitarist Slash buried a decades-long feud in 2017, but their truce doesn’t look entirely genuine: there’s very little chemistry between the two on stage. Last summer, your correspondent was unfortunate enough to witness them try to perform at the Tottenham Hotspur arena. They were an hour and a half late (with no apology) and sounded dreadful all night. Axl Rose, 61, simply can’t sing any more, regularly gasping for breath, his feral squeal becoming a wet squeak. He’s unpredictable too: at one point in Tottenham, he urged the crowd to boo Xi Jinping and said Britain should take back Hong Kong.
A better choice might be Lana del Rey (10.30 p.m, iPlayer), heroine of both gay men and the alt-right. (When asked what she thought about feminism, she said: ‘I’m more interested in… SpaceX and Tesla.’) She’s Beatles-esque productive: three albums in the past three years, which is basically unheard of nowadays, so expect a lot of her material to be new. She’s going through her very own ‘vibe shift’: several years ago, she used to chain-smoke cigarettes through shows, becoming America’s most iconic smoker. Now she’s a proud vaper, huffing on her Lost Mary even while recording songs, which is very modern.
We’re finally at Sunday – and if you made it through Guns N’ Roses you can get through anything. The first act worth watching is Black Country, New Road (2 p.m., iPlayer). It’s not an exaggeration to say that their For the First Time (2021) and Ants from Up There (2022) are two of the best albums of the past decade. Their singer, Isaac Wood, left the band immediately after the release of the second album, saying he was ‘very afraid’ (he now works in a cake shop, so I hope he’s happier). Wood was a genius, but the rest of the band are brilliantly talented too, and this performance should be a good indicator of what the new era will sound like.
Be sure to catch shoegaze rockers Slowdive later on too (5 p.m., iPlayer), if only to watch the 1990s dudes in the crowd ketamined into oblivion. Blondie are playing the legends’ slot at teatime (5 p.m., BBC One) on Sunday on the main stage, but get to the screen promptly for The War on Drugs (7.45 p.m., iPlayer), whose dreamy seven-minute songs are the best of American indie. Headbangers will enjoy seeing Queens of the Stone Age play the Other Stage (9.45 p.m., iPlayer), fronted by Donald Trump lookalike Josh Homme. He’s a big fan of shotguns and Chevrolets and has had the dates of his worst ever gig tattooed on his ribs – so it would hurt the most and serve as a warning. He’s had a dicey few years: in rehab for alcoholism and drug abuse, got stick for kicking a cameraman’s camera during a gig, had an intense legal spat with his ex-wife (he now has sole custody of his children) and had cancer. It’s a proper comeback.
Elton John headlines the Pyramid stage on the closing night (9 p.m., BBC One), with the slightly macabre premise that this is the last time you’ll see him do this! His Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour has been running for five years in what might be the world’s longest wave goodbye, but Glastonbury is set to be his final show in the UK. He has a few more dates after that though: to Paris, then Zürich, up to Copenhagen. The last time he will grace the stage will be in Stockholm, before he scuttles back to Berkshire. Elton has sold more records solo than any living human, so his last hurrah should be worth watching.
Oh, but it’s forecast to rain on Sunday. Maybe I win after all.
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