Rod Liddle Rod Liddle

If you do one thing this election, stop your kids voting

As I write this, MPs are arguing about whether a general election should be on 9 December or 12 December. One argued it must be the 9th because other-wise an election might get in the way of vital rehearsals for school nativity plays. I have long been of the opinion that our politicians are mentally ill and most stuff that happens these days seems to confirm it. The more salient reason for the opposition wanting the earlier date is that universities may have broken up by the 12th and the Lib Dems and Labour will therefore risk losing a tidal wave of support from voters who are pig ignorant, pay no taxes and who, when delighted by something, do not clap their hands but wave them in the air like Al Jolson singing ‘Mammy’.

If you have a student son or daughter who’s thinking of voting, shove some high grade skunk under their bedroom door the day before the poll. You can lace the skunk with horse tranquilisers if you wish — do anything, just stop them voting. Pay them not to vote, or organise a rave with bangin’ choons for polling day. It is your duty — and the kids will thank you for it in about ten years’ time, when a semblance of sentience has established itself inside their heads.

It was principally the student vote that won Canterbury for the sobbing and oppressed Rosie ‘#MeToo’ Duffield. Please don’t let that happen again. My own choice of election date would be a day when universities are closed and Muslims are forbidden to do anything on pain of hell, or something. There must be at least one day like that in the Muslim calendar, surely? That would deliver at least 40 seats to the Tories, I reckon.

The better news this week is that the hilarious People’s Vote has imploded, a consequence of the overweening hubris of one man.

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