How I plan to win a Bafta

I’ve nearly finished my latest screenplay, Drift. It’s a reimagining of a British imperial atrocity which took place in Natal in 1879 and was subsequently made into a disgracefully jingoistic 1964 movie, and despite its problematic subject matter — the bad guys won — I reckon it will be a shoo-in for an award at the new-look, diversity–compliant Bafta.

Idris Elba will play the Michael Caine role, obviously; I’m thinking Lenny Henry as Lieutenant Chard, and the cast of Top Boy as the various VC-winning NCOs and men of the 24th of Foot. The Zulus will all be played by actual Zulus because anything else would be cultural appropriation, but one Impi will be in a wheelchair and another will be entirely transgender to emphasise their stunning bravery.

I was initially a bit worried that, being a war movie, there wouldn’t be much opportunity for the 50/50 gender casting balance among secondary characters which Bafta is aiming for. But my director’s cut edit — featuring an extra two hours of women dancing joyously and empoweredly — should sort out that problem. And just to cover myself, I’ll probably get lots of females on the production team, not only doing the obvious stuff like hair, make-up, costume, tea-making and so on but more challenging jobs like key grip and best girl. Then, showing my attention to detail, I’m going to have two runners: one from the West Indies for the short distances, one from Ethiopia for the longer.

If you don’t know what I’m on about, let me clue you in. The British Academy of Film and Television Arts (Bafta) recently suggested that from now on, only works meeting its ‘diversity standards’ may be eligible to win its annual awards. If the new rules are introduced, filmmakers would have to demonstrate ‘diversity’ in at least two of four categories: on-screen characters and themes; senior roles; industry access; audience development.