How to sabotage a deadly ambush. This was Jeremy Corbyn’s contribution to the political play-book today. He came to Parliament lethally armed. A cache of secret messages apparently between a Government wonk and the leader of Surrey County Council suggest some very shady goings-on. Mr Corbyn’s task was simple. Read out the intercepts and watch Mrs May squirm. He duly recited the incriminating information. And it was astonishing. It was unanswerable. The PM was accused of conspiracy. How would she plead? Well, she didn’t. She couldn’t say a word because Mr Corbyn was busy wittering on, muddling the issue, and giving his foe a priceless gift. Time. Time to think. Time to escape. Any semi-alert politician would have left the unpinned grenade hanging – did her Government secretly plot with a friendly council leader? – but Corbo flannelled on and added a supplementary question about other councils benefiting from the same ‘sweetheart deal’ as Surrey. This left Mrs May free to choose which query to address: dark dealings in Guildford, or opportunities being offered to other councils. She chose the latter. Easy.
But the skirmish wasn’t over. Mr Corbyn had another chance to roast Mrs May with the leaked messages. But the Corbster is so in love with the sound of his own incompetence that he blew it again, in identical fashion, by asking two questions in one. Mrs May was let off twice. If Jezza were a prison lackey he’d spend all day escorting murderers over the wall. Mrs May accused him of using ‘alternative facts’. Labour, she said, needs, ‘an alternative leader’.
It won’t be long now. Tipsters reckon that by April Fool’s Day the embalmed remains of Mr Corbyn will have been lodged in the lengthening gallery of Labour’s nearly-men. You can tell which backbenchers want his job, by the way, because they ask questions of national, not local, significance. South Wales firecracker Owen Smith quoted an over-paid gloom-monger who says Brexit will cost us nine billion a year in lost commerce. Not one cheer from the troops. Owen Smith’s friends believe he has gravitas. He doesn’t. He has ‘densitas’. Which is slightly different. It means he could do the job all right but it’d be heavy going. Mrs May, faced with a Smith leadership, would calmly produce her bacon-slicer and reduce him to barbecue nibbles.
The chances are high that Labour will elect a woman leader. As several of the sisters have noticed. Liz Kendall is in with a shout and she asked May to reveal more details of our post-Brexit trade prospects. Ms Kendall might benefit from a chirpier manner. Today she had the forlorn look of a dinner-lady unfairly sacked for over-salting the gravy. Caroline Flint swished into action and got all wobbly-jowled about forthcoming fuel price rises. With her Bond-girl looks and raunchy hair she’s a striking package but she lost her cool today and ended up bellowing about billon-pound rip-offs. Mrs May loves being bellowed at. She lowers her voice, gives a slightly patronising tilt of the head, and offers one of her ‘gentle reminders’. ‘She might have missed the fact that where markets are not working we’ll take action.’
Angela Eagle asked Mrs May to ‘produce an analysis’ of our trade prospects under WTO rules. Quite a stodgy topic. At her best, Ms Eagle is a formidable, sharp-witted performer. She has the smiling, twinkly ruthlessness of a Victorian courtesan and her questions can land with the impact of a stun-grenade. The Tories would not welcome her as opposition leader. Mrs May’s clear preference, Diane Abbott, has already been ruled out. Doctors orders.
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