Yes, it’s a sunny Sunday – but for Tories, it will be a lot sunnier after watching the Labour Party leadership debate. With some helpful suggestions from Twitter, here’s my guide to what they’ll say:
Yvette Cooper: ‘Working mum!’ or ‘as a mother’ What she’ll mean:
‘I am one, unlike Liz Kendall! So I’ll make out like I oppose cuts in family tax credits more because I’m a mum – and how many other mums are standing on this panel? Eh? Eh, Liz? Of course, being rich doesn’t stop me understanding the poor; being healthy doesn’t stop me understanding the sick. But being a mum does mean I have unique insights into mothers, not available to my rivals. If I win, my slogan will be: Vote Labour – and come to mummy!’
Andy Burnham: ‘football’, ‘the pub’ and ‘Westminster elite’. As in:
I want to play the outsider card – problem is that I’m a Cambridge graduate who trotted off to be a special adviser for Tessa Jowell before being parachuted into a Labour safe seat. So how to pretend otherwise? By saying ‘Westminster’ with the same contempt that American rednecks spit out the word “Washington”. Admittedly, I’ve been marinated in Westminster all my adult life. But here’s my get-out-of-jail card: I watch football! In fact, I support Everton, which makes me doubly working class. And I go to the pub! Real Liverpool pubs, not market town Gastropubs: so extra class war points for me! None for posh Yvette with her kiddy kale pesto (and I sired some kids too, you know!) or posh Kendall, with her SamCam-style love of rap. I’m real, me. And by ‘real,’ I mean northern. And not Westminster.
Jeremy Corbyn: ‘inequality’ and ‘difficult dialogue’ i.e.:
Under my rule, that old TV show Citizen Smith will look like a documentary! In fact, I always thought it was! I’ve spent 30 years in the loony fringes of the Labour Party hanging out – on occasion – with members of IRA and Hezbollah. But hey, Labour needs a change – and nothing says ‘change’ more than ceding Northern Ireland!
Liz Kendall: ‘people didn’t trust us’, ‘Middle Britain’ or ‘WATFORD!!’
Ed Miliband just offered the voters leftie ham and leftie cheese. They declined. So let’s not offer double ham and double cheese next time, eh? I’m from Middle England and we’ll never get back in power unless we win votes in the market towns. Andy Burham can moan as much as he likes with his Scouse friends in the pub – but what good will that do Labour? Where does the party have the bigger problem: Liverpool or Watford?
I suspect that Liz Kendall will make more sense than the rest of them put together, which will further worsen her chances of leading a party that has already decided to settle down to a long spell in opposition.
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