Labour’s real 2019 manifesto

In 2019, Labour’s strategy is about delivering a fairer, more prosperous society, in adherence to our motto: for the zany, not the shrewd.

Because Labour voters have short attention spans (and therefore do not remember how deeply we got the nation in debt the last time our party was in power), we would like to frontload this manifesto with the vast piles of Free Stuff that will inundate British households if you award our party a majority. You will notice lower down on your ballot a space to tick ‘milk’ or ‘dark’ for your 750g M&S chocolate assortment. Do not forget to further customise your order by ticking ‘creams’, ‘caramels’ or ‘truffles’, and ‘yes’ or ‘no’ by ‘I have a nut allergy’.

We apologise that delivery of your first free weekly Proletariat Pizza (thin crust or classic deep pan) will have to wait until after 12 December, because we were unable to fit the full list of optional toppings on to the ballot paper, and there were unresolved objections from some quarters to the inclusion of pineapple.

When leaving the polling station, however, make sure to pick up your shiny red Labour goodie bag to the left (naturally) of the door. We don’t want to ruin all the surprises in store, but we can tip off voters that gifts include: a 100ml bottle of Aveda Botanical Kinetics moisturiser, a five-inch lavender-scented candle (bound to come in useful when we nationalise energy companies), a £50 John Lewis coupon redeemable for the lampshade of your choice (teal blue being, alas, out of stock), a deckle-edged collector’s edition of Mao’s Little Red Book, Bose Bluetooth headphones (as we’re not to be outdone by the New Yorker Festival), and a small electric car.