Let us enjoy peace on Mars while we still can

There are some things to be said in favour of the planet Mars. Its atmosphere contains almost no oxygen, the temperature in winter reaches minus 143˚C, it is exceptionally arid and dusty, and any human travelling to the place would receive sufficient solar radiation to be lit up like a Russian dissident. My problem with the place, though, is that it is only 33 million miles distant. It is altogether too close for comfort, virtually a stone’s throw away. Mercury, I think, or better still Pluto, would be far more fun. On Mercury, incineration would be instantaneous. However it is Pluto that really fits the bill. It is three billion miles away, roughly — and bracingly chilly, a little like Hull in January. And also airless and bleak and devoid of light. Perfect. In deep space, nobody can you hear from the Diary Room.

I suppose it had to happen. A Dutch tv company is planning to set a reality tv programme on Mars, with the first imbeciles due to land in 2023, having undergone ten years of what the programme makers call intensive training. The Dutch, remember, are sort of reality tv pioneers, ahead of the game and cutting edge. No country in the world has their track record of shovelling shit into your living room. They gave us Big Brother, for example, for which many thanks.

Their proposed ‘Mars One’ reality show will cost six billion quid, which they expect (probably rightly) to raise from private finance. In the first million or so episodes, viewers would get to see the contestants training, then, after a decade, they’d witness the lucky four being blasted off into space for the seven-month journey.