Low life | 14 July 2012

I’m at home watching the Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros’ ‘Man on Fire’ video on the laptop. Talk about uplifting. I’m watching with my earbuds in, and loving America, when the phone rings twice and stops. 

This means my boy hasn’t credit on his phone and wants me to ring him back. I stop the video and call him. He’s bidding on a car on eBay, he says. Would I have a look at the description and tell him what I think? There’s a minute to go, he says. So I go to the auction site and look at the listing and immediately my inspired mood evaporates.

My boy and I have bought plenty of cheap cars on eBay over the years. Some turned out to be good ones; with others we were completely done over. We’re experienced. His last car, a Toyota Previa, bought for £600, lasted for nearly three years before the head gasket went. We were pleased. So now he’s hoping for a similar coup, with financial assistance from his old dad to the tune of £600. So what does my boy do? He bids for the automotive equivalent of what Kelvin MacKenzie threatened to tip over Prime Minister John Major. A single glance at the listing tells me that. I’m incandescent. 

Take the description of the car, for example. There ain’t one. All it says is: 

Here listed is a 1999 Vauxhall Sintra 2.2 Deisal, 7 seats, 120,000 miles. Very good condition. Car is relyabel and safe. 

No information about the car’s history, recent work done, tyre-tread depths, reason for selling. The photograph shows a car parked on a street in a dire housing estate. As I look at this, the clock runs down to zero and my boy has ‘won’ it.