Male order

I often wonder why people are shocked, shocked — Captain Renault-like — to discover that modern football is a malodorous cesspit teeming with leeches and crooks, or that Tony Blair is a congenital liar not worthy of any position except that of orderly in a prison gym. The latest shock is the discovery that Jacob Zuma, the President of South Africa, has fathered his 20th child. I don’t like football players, owners of football teams and Tony Blair, but I do like Jacob Zuma, a polygamous roly-poly Zulu who preaches safe sex by advising those indulging to take a shower once they’ve finished the business. Zuma is a proud Zulu traditionalist who doesn’t much believe in white man’s science, and who has been married a total of five times, has had children by seven women, and has three wives at present. His latest child’s mother is not one of his wives, which is fine according to Zulu custom, especially as Zuma has provided ‘inhlawulo’, the customary payment by a Zulu man after he fathers a child out of wedlock.

Actually, I envy Zuma, and would love to provide inhlawulo to not a small number of ladies, starting with the deputy editor of The Spectator the second she gives me the green light. Alas, all I get is a red signal despite the fact that my wallet is bulging with prospective inhlawulo pounds and dollars. (No one accepts euros any more, especially not for inhlawulo purposes.). Mind you, we are all Zulus now. Didn’t the ghastly John Terry pay inhlawulo to that cute little French mademoiselle? Not to mention the poor little Greek boy. (Who didn’t pay.)