Me and the builder boyfriend are going to go without hot water

‘I’d like my money back please’ was what I was waiting to tell British Gas, if they ever stopped the deafening rock music of their recorded hold message to answer the phone.

My account was £490 in credit, like it was a savings account. Only it wasn’t a savings account for me, and now energy prices are going up beyond all reason, I’m not going to be so relaxed about these matters. I want my 500 quid back.

They have been over-estimating my usage for too long, despite me diligently giving them my meter readings.

The £2,500 cap announced by the Prime Minister doesn’t mean a damn for me, because it turns out it only applies to those whose usage would never come anywhere near that amount anyway.

If you use more, you pay more. And if you don’t want to use more, you will still pay more, because you can’t tell British Gas that henceforth, from the time of this diabolical increase, you intend to drastically cut your usage.

They are going to bill me based on what I used before, when the price was more reasonable.

My bill is now £3,761.60 a year, or £368 a month, because they are going on my previous usage.

Yes, I want to scream, but now you’ve put the price through the roof I’m not going to use that much any more, am I? Me and the builder boyfriend are going to go without hot water and get as dirty as a pair of homeless bums, huddling in front of the log burner for warmth with whatever twigs we can gather from the woods…

But you can’t scream that, or they will accuse you of abuse. They will accuse you of abuse, put the phone down, and then manage to continue to take your filthy, abusive money.