I am bald. Over the past few months, three events have reminded me of this fact. The first was on X (formerly Twitter). I was defending an article I had published in the British Medical Journal, in which I argued that doctors should behave professionally on social media. In response to my post, an irate doctor called me an ‘egghead’. The second was the revelation that my close friend Calvin, 46, had flown to Turkey for a hair transplant. He was not even bald, just thinning. Et tu, Calvin? The third took place only moments ago, and prompted me to write this piece.
I was trying to spice up a WhatsApp message with an emoji. As I wanted to thank someone, I tapped into my Japanese heritage and chose the ‘bowing’ figure. I could change the skin and hair colour, but I could not make him bald. None of these emojis look remotely like me. When I raised this shocking discovery in the family chat, my brother – also bald – answered with faux solemnity: ‘hair loss is an illness. One must not joke about such matters.’
Well, I did joke about it on my last holiday, when I asked a group of teenagers to take a photo of me. They obliged and, when they returned my phone, I looked at the photo and exclaimed, ‘but wait, where’s all my hair gone?’ The teenagers looked uncomfortable, unsure if I was joking or delusional, until an old man standing nearby quipped ‘it’s at the back!’. And there’s also the old chestnut, attributed to Ronnie Barker, ‘I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.’
After my brother’s comment, I asked ChatGPT if baldness was an illness. It replied:
Baldness (especially male or female pattern baldness) is not considered an illness – it’s a common condition often linked to genetics and hormones. The medical term is androgenetic alopecia. It’s very normal and affects millions of people.
The Cleveland Clinic is less sure. Its webpage on the condition mentions diagnosis, symptoms, management, and treatment. It even asks, ‘Is male pattern baldness contagious?’ (it isn’t). For some men, baldness may feel like an illness – an undesirable condition affecting the body that can cause distress. In July 2019, Mr Finn, an electrician, got into an altercation at work. His co-worker called him a ‘bald cunt’. Mr Finn sued the employer and a tribunal found that he had been subjected to sex-based harassment (i.e. unwanted conduct related to a person’s sex) because of the reference to his baldness. The tribunal held:
In our judgment, there is a connection between the word ‘bald’ on the one hand and the protected characteristic of sex on the other. Miss Churchhouse [the employer’s barrister] was right to submit that women as well as men may be bald. However, as all three members of the Tribunal will vouchsafe, baldness is much more prevalent in men than women. We find it to be inherently related to sex. (In contrast, we accept that baldness affects [predominantly] adult males of all ages so is inherently not a characteristic of age.)
The employer appealed, without success. Baldness certainly has its drawbacks. Some may find it unattractive, and it is true that there are few bald Hollywood heartthrobs. Vin Diesel. The Rock. Patrick Stewart. Without hair on my head, I am prone to sunburn when it is sunny and to the cold when the temperature drops. At the gym, I sweat a lot and need frequent towelling.
Aside from the ‘egghead’ insult on X, someone once called me Kojak. Kojak, for those too young to remember, was a fictional detective on TV in the 1970s and 1980s, who was famously bald. Looking back, maybe the person was praising my deductive powers.
Overall, however, the pros outweigh the cons. I spend no time drying or styling my hair. I need no gel. I use very little shampoo. My hairdresser charges me only £10 to tidy the sides. When outside, I know when it is raining well before my hair-covered friends. As a barrister, unless forced to wear my wig, I look older, wiser and more authoritative. And if I ever require brain surgery, the surgeons have quicker access as there is no need to shave my head.
So if tomorrow I was offered a miracle pill to regrow my hair, I would decline without hesitation. While I appreciate that baldness can be deeply upsetting for some, for me it is no affliction. And if any emoji designers are reading this, please create a bald ‘bowing’ figure. Of all the body positions, it is the one most in need of follicular accuracy.
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