Lucy Vickery

Men behaving badly

In Competition No. 2889 you were invited to submit an extract from an imaginary novel written from the perspective of a female chauvinist author.

There are man-haters everywhere, it seems, from children’s telly to high culture. Charges of sexism have been levelled against the creators of the Daddy Pig character in Peppa Pig. Daddy is portrayed as a hopeless bumbling idiot while Mummy Pig is the embodiment of good sense. And Harold Bloom argues that there is ‘a strong element’ of misandry in Shakespeare (whereas misogyny, he says, is hard to find). Commendations to Sergio Michael Petro and Sandra McGregor. The winners take £30 each; Adrian Fry gets £35.

Looking down at the dead girl, Detective Inspector Malmsey vowed to find her killer, the catch in his voice signifying both his self-importance at the apex of a phallocentric hierarchy and the arousal of his flaccid libido by a woman whose passivity and unreadable blankness rendered her sufficiently undemanding for sentimental objectification. The case would demand total concentration; a diet of vindaloo and whisky, total dereliction of familial responsibilities and the maintenance of a temper shorter than a list of famous female classical composers. Male hegemony excused such eccentricities; even his unironed shirts proved badges of dedication, not cause for disciplinary action. Whether aggressively harrying suspects or hypocritically reprimanding subordinates for misogynistic canteen banter, Malmsey would take complete responsibility for the case, monotasking his way to an insecure conviction, testosterone pumping too hard to permit his glancing into the victim’s diary where the perpetrator’s identity had been astutely anticipated. Typical!
Adrian Fry
The dismayed voice came from behind her: ‘I’ve tried switching it off then on again, but it doesn’t help.’ It meant Roger’s ancient PC was down again.

‘Have you tried running a full scan with credible antivirus software?’ Hillary made god-help-me faces as she answered.

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