Don’t say you weren’t warned. Britain is now in the grip of a “whiteout”; schools closed, essential services hindered, lonely pensioners dying of starvation in their garrets. Exactly as I predicted last year, the white blanket covering Britain now is the consequence of thousand upon thousand of polar bear pelts which have floated southwards on the melted ice floes from the Arctic, where the bears once lived happy, democratic and inclusive lives. Soon we will be entirely engulfed by this tidal wave of fur, and we only have ourselves to blame.
Meanwhile the sun continues to beat down relentlessly and it is dangerous to go out, in case you catch skin cancer – another gift we have bestowed upon ourselves as a consequence of global warming. Remember that last year I said this year would be the hottest ever, ever, ever – advice I took from the Met. So it is. And don’t listen to any of those climate change deniers who confuse “weather” with “climate”. Who could be so stupid as to do such a thing?
Temp: 27-29 degrees centigrade. Coconuts ripening, strong likelihood of military coups.
Chance of precipitation: certain. Monsoon rain, again. Disappearance of East Anglia.
Dead Polar Bears: 496,271
Number of appearances of myself on the BBC: 86
Funny things said: 0