Lucy Vickery

No idea

In Competition No. 2964 you were invited to suggest a really bad idea for one, or several, of the following: a children’s book; an Olympic sport; a television sitcom; a reality TV series.

Reading the entry brought back fond if painful memories of Alan Partridge’s Inner-City Sumo — ‘We take fat people from inner cities, put them in big nappies…’ — and monkey tennis. V. Ernest Cox’s proposed children’s book, A Pop-Up Book of Sexting, vied with John Samson’s Dignitas show-jumping (don’t ask) for the bad-taste award, while Douglas G. Brown’s Poop Scoopin’ Fetishists scooped the gong for grossness.

Top marks to Tracy Davidson’s pitch for the one-size-fits-all reality TV show The Only Way Is Strictly Come Dine With Me In The Jungle: ‘If you’ve dreamed of watching people dance the paso doble above pits of venomous snakes, or cook kangaroo-bollock curries for Mary Berry, this show is for you.’ And dishonourable mentions to C.J. Gleed, Michael Jones and Ken Stevens. The winners take £25 each. Bill Greenwell trousers £30.

Set in a refugee camp in Kent, the wacky sitcom Repel All Borders will be the first time on TV that economic and other migrants have been seen as they really are — a good-natured bunch of wannabes, with just the occasional rotten kumqat. Ari V’Derci and his missus Amira have come over as Syrian stowaways with her Slovakian mother Valéria, as well as their children, Latifah and Hanifah. Every week they face a new challenge as they attempt to integrate themselves into the local community, and try to pass the citizenship test. Up against them is ‘Chalky’ White and his immigration team, with their catchphrase ‘How do you cook a Christmas pudding?’ In the first episode, Ari gets a clandestine job as a hop-picker, and Amira tries out a burkini at Whitstable beach.

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