No thanks

In Competition No. 2928 you were invited to submit a thank-you letter for a particularly unenjoyable Christmas visit to relatives that manages to be diplomatic but deters them from ever inviting you again.

You produced a catalogue of seasonal torture that had me squirming in my judging throne: uncomfortable blow-up beds; minimal central heating; lecherous uncles; interminable Trivial Pursuit sessions; 2,000-piece jigsaws (‘all week spent on that dried-up river-bed from central Africa’ — Jeremy Carlisle); unpalatable vegan food; homemade celery, nettle and parsnip (mulled!) wine. And so it went on.

There was nice work all round, but high fives in particular to William Casement, J.C.H. Mounsey, Andrew Currie and Frances Hawxwell, who were unlucky losers. The winners earn £30 each and Adrian Fry pockets the bonus fiver. Happy new year.

Cousin Charles,
What an unending pleasure Christmas in the Dickens household proved. From the moment little Dora played her piccolo at us upon arrival to your insistence young Alfred recite Tennyson’s ‘In Memoriam’, in full, to mark our departure, the entertainments were unceasing. Our sides continue to ache from your inexhaustible supply of practical jokes and impersonations. It was a privilege to be conscripted into absolutely every performance of your family pantomimes, particularly as you unfailingly managed to make comic capital of my wife’s disabling stammer: she will never forget it. Walking at night was another novel festive pleasure; without your bellowed excerpts from Barnaby Rudge by which to orient ourselves, we should have been quite lost. To be so much part of your clan that Charles Jnr ran up bills in my name was privilege indeed; we shan’t return next year lest he be embarrassed by such an intimacy.
Adrian Fry
 
My dear Annie and Jude
I really must thank you for a quite unbelievable holiday visit.