Kenya
An unexpected subplot in the ending of my marriage has been the loss of dear old friends. It came as no surprise that a hot flush of middle-aged women took sides, ensuring that certain west London postcodes felt like enemy territory. The end of a comradeship that had survived wars and the deaths of colleagues across 34 years, however, was a terrible blow. A friend of 30 years who decided to circulate secretly photographed images of me with my girlfriend enjoying sundowners at a bar came as a surprise. With another, a terminal chain reaction that began with a tiff over a cattle trough reminded me of Gogol’s story about the two friends called Ivan who have a lifelong falling out after one Ivan calls the other Ivan a goose. Then there was the invitation to the country that was rescinded after I asked if I could bring my woman, with the hosts saying that it was ‘too soon’, though they knew that I’d been involved with her for some time.
One hoped that friends might avoid taking sides, while bringing comfort and counsel
I mourn the loss of ties like these, and if I put just these four friendships end to end, they’d add up to 99 years. Why have these connections broken now? My faults are well known, since I can be unreliable, impolite, selfish, irascible, overbearing, arrogant and ungrateful. The weaknesses have always been there, and friends tolerated them with great generosity. But during the turmoil of separation, when I became distracted, preoccupied and sometimes withdrawn, those flaws seem to have weighed more heavily on them. Perhaps people felt neglected, or worried, or disappointed. Perhaps they simply didn’t know how best to help. I honestly cannot say, but it is no coincidence that they fell by the wayside during this period and from what I’ve heard it is not uncommon.
In an ideal world, during the thunder run of a separation we could all benefit from the strategic guidance of a City PR agency, together with a Battle of Britain operations room staffed by WAAF ladies plotting incoming squadrons on a map of your future life. One hoped that friends might avoid taking sides, while bringing comfort and counsel to two people enduring the hardest times of their lives to avoid acrimony and reach a compromise that is best for one another and the rest of their loved ones. Yes, I should have been more open about what was happening in my life. I timed things wrongly. I handled many things poorly, but I am not sure how often people can get this right. None of this is to suggest that my own burdens eclipse anyone else’s. Far from it. Those closest to me have endured a great deal on my account and I can only hope they know how much I value and love them, even if I’ve not always shown it.
In the meantime, a person going through this goes it alone, in uncharted, choppy waters – as one so often does with all of life’s toughest challenges including illness, grief, shell-shock or penury. Those who do cluster around you with unlimited time on their hands are the lawyers and therapists, all of them churning up a brew of fag ends, red herrings, mischief and fee notes. One misery coach argued that what I really needed to do was check into a residential psychiatric facility run by South Africans where the activities involved talking to horses and goats. I already live on a farm, I explained.
To my fellow men and women enduring similar experiences this season, I’d say wait for the tide to turn. One day these hard times will all be behind us. I’m deeply grateful to the comrades of old who have quietly stayed by my side, even if I kept them in the dark about what was going on for a long time. I am equally thankful for the unexpected kindness of the new friends whom I have met along the road at this strangest of times. There’s a famous Swahili saying that goes Msitu ndio tofauti, nyani ni wale wale – ‘The forest may have changed, but the monkeys are still the same’. After what I’ve experienced, I have a different view on that now. My advice is to shake the monkeys out of all the trees and if you don’t like the look of each other, then let them move on without bitterness while sticking close to the ones who offer compassion and warmth.
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