Lucy Vickery

Officially amazing

Text settings

In Competition No. 3019 you were invited to submit a limerick describing a feat worthy of inclusion in Guinness World Records.

This assignment is a nod to my nine-year-old son, who is a big fan of astonishing facts. Every year, when he gets his mitts on the latest Guinness World Records, he follows me around the house bombarding me with them. To the records I’ve recently expressed amazement at — most people in a camper van; most basketball slam dunks in a minute by a rabbit; tallest ever domestic cat — you added the feats below, winningly celebrated in limerick form.

Each one printed earns its author £9. Honourable mentions go to Clare Sandy, Jeffrey Aronson, Mike Morrison and Martin Parker. 

Though most Guinness records, it’s said,

Will not last in the days up ahead,

There’s one that is stable:

Cain’s brother, poor Abel,

Will always be ‘Man Longest Dead.’

Robert Schechter

A new Guinness record’s appeared,

And how Edward Lear would have cheered:

Four larks and a hen,

Two owls and a wren;

It’s official — most nests in a beard.

Nicholas Hodgson

An ancient streetwalker called Annie

Collected pound coins in her fanny.

She could fit in no more

Once she’d lodged 84.

It was more of a nook than a cranny.

Fiona Pitt-Kethley

A salt-crusted sailor from Seaton,

In record time (yet to be beaten),

Popped up to the poop

With a gallon of soup

And slurped till the last scrap was eaten.

Alan Millard 

The Member for Grange-Over-Sands

Walked a world-record stretch on his hands,

Saying ‘You folk up there

With your heads in the air

Need to understand grass-root demands.’

W.J. Webster

I’ve had ten thousand partners in passion,

More than three thousand times Cleggy’s  ration

I’m fit as ten fleas

Though I’m weak in the knees

And I can’t do it terrier fashion.

I’m up for inclusion. I’m next,

Though my feat may well leave you perplexed.

Last Tuesday my thumb

Was as taut as a drum

As it tapped out its millionth text.

Bill Greenwell

Could you balance, like Hirst, on an easel,

A drum with ten gallons of diesel?

And on top of the drum

Andrew Marr and a plum,

Four kettles, a shark and a weasel?

Mark Shelton 

A remarkable girl in North Wales

Is endowed with the world’s longest nails.

She could scratch a man’s balls

In Niagara Falls,

Though her sense of decorum prevails.

Rob Young 

A sexy and daring old stager

Took a walk in the buff for a wager

From Llanelli to Hull

Via Plymouth and Mull

And Maidstone and Crewe and Alsager.

G.M. Davis

 A tattooist who lives by the Clyde

Has inked more than his visible hide.

By each nostril and ear,

By his mouth, at the rear,

He has lettered CONTINUED INSIDE.

Chris O’Carroll

There was a young man from Melrose

Whose place in the Records Book shows

That his entry was through

His ability to

Balance six boiled eggs on his nose.

Brian Murdoch

They laughed when, in old-fashioned flannel,

She dived in the cold English Channel.

They confessed they’d been wrong

When she swam to Hong Kong;

Now she sits on the World Records Panel.

Frank Upton

A talented sculptor from Leith

Made statuary out of his teeth.

The top set were nudes,

So to mollify prudes

He carved the disciples beneath.

Basil Ransome-Davies 

If Guinness were anxious to see

Who the pottiest Potus might be

It would just take a sec

For the checkers to check

That honours belong to D.T.

Max Ross 

There was a young lady from Crewe

Who cartwheeled around Chester Zoo,

When the animals saw her

They all rooted for her,

And then began cartwheeling too.

Katie Mallett 

The kindliest soul on the planet

Is a lady in Ramsgate called Janet,

Who knits little pink boots

For the moorhens and coots

In the nearby marshes of Thanet.

Hugh King

No. 3022: a poem for boris

You are invited to compose a safe poem that Boris Johnson could have on hand in case he feels a verse quotation coming on when out in the field. Please email up to 16 lines to by 25 October.