In Competition No. 2499 you were invited to submit a poem eulogising a pet.
It was not only Dr Johnson’s Hodge who inspired this assignment; credit, too, goes to Jeoffry, immortalised by Christopher Smart in ‘For I Will Consider My Cat Jeoffry’ from ‘Jubilate Agno’: ‘…For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature./ For he is tenacious of his point./ For he is a misture of gravity and waggery./…’
A rather more unusual pet, belonging to the bohemian poet Gérard de Nerval, was brought to life by Bill Greenwell. Nerval apparently took his crustacean chum for walks in Paris fastened to a piece of blue ribbon, and regarded lobsters as perfect pet material: ‘peaceful, serious creatures, who know the secrets of the sea, and don’t bark’.
The other prizewinners printed below get £25, with the extra fiver going to William Danes-Volkov.
For a unicellular brute
My amoeba
Is rather cute.
His very perfection
Masks lack of affection
But sense of direction
Is not his strong suit.
I bought him a collar and lead
My amoeba:
Ordered in tweed
From Fowlers of Preston
A coat with a crest on.
With that and his vest on
Our ‘walk’ can proceed.
William Danes-Volkov
I have a fine pet piranha
And she is called Matilda.
I named her after my dear wife,
Shortly before I killed her.
I love my pet piranha,
And make efforts to please her.
I’ve fed her most of my late wife,
Whom I kept in the freezer.
I’m convinced my pet piranha
Understands each word I say,
Though one must be alert to keep
Fingers out of the way.
God bless my pet piranha,
Who blows me fish-like kisses
Whenever I feed her tasty morsels
Of my departed Mrs.
Brian Murdoch
My sublime, exoskeletal pal,
On a ribbon the colour of sky,
My name is Gérard de Nerval,
And I love you, but hardly know why.
It could be your claws, or antennae
Which cause me such passionate pain,
Or your manner, so secretive, when I
Take walks with you down by the Seine.
Perhaps it’s because you don’t bark
That I give you my mad admiration,
On a drag round a trottoir or parc,
My subtle and trusty crustacean.
You dream of the peaceable sea,
Non-violent, no submarine mobster:
Cock a snook at the bourgeois with me,
My snapper, my loveable lobster.
Bill Greenwell
Sitwell’s centenary, so she became
Edith (the same long nose, imperious stare).
A Siamese whose pedigree would shame
The proudest families, whose yowls compare
With all Facade’s cacophony could shout;
A scrawny Duchess, perfectly cross-eyed;
A fearless hunter, killing with no doubt
Prey should be loudly, publicly enjoyed.
She loved me. No one else was worth her wit.
My Eedi-puss (she couldn’t see the joke).
I was her chosen one, the favourite.
An honour which her paws and long claws spoke
In blood (mine), and through fierce purrs (hers). She swore
Loud as a fishwife, scorned all cats, intent
On first claim to my food, my bed, and more:
A cat, in every way, magnificent.
D.A. Prince
She sniffs for clues around my shoes,
Obeys without objection,
And trustingly she follows me
Replete in my affection.
She’s ever there beside my chair
As faithful as the sun.
Could humans give such faultless love
For such a small return?
I do not know where I should go
To find in human dress
Her depth of trust, her quenchless thirst
To coddle and caress.
How very odd if caring God
Reserves a place of bliss
For grey old men whose deeds bring pain,
Excluding saints like this.
Frank McDonald
My Maud, she makes the perfect pet —
A choice I never could regret
Despite misgivings from the vet
Who deemed it a mistake.
My feebler friends, who should be bolder,
Shun her with a curt, cold shoulder
Loath to handle, hug or hold her,
All they do is quake.
But, guaranteed to raise a gasp
And prove percussion’s in her grasp,
To mimic the ‘maraca-rasp’
She gives her tail a shake.
Forget these fang marks on my arm —
I’m sure she meant no lasting harm,
What other pet could match the charm
Of Maud, my rattlesnake!
Alan Millard
Competition No. 2502: Two Bobs
Oxford University Professor of Poetry Christopher Ricks once compared Bob Dylan to Keats. You are invited to submit a review by a critic (150 words) identifying the literary precursor(s) to a popular music star of your choice. Entries to ‘Competition 2502’ by
5 July or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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