This was a card-shredder of a performance by Ed Miliband. He’s had some difficult outings lately but he barely even showed up at PMQs today. His team of phrase-makers and sloganeers have abandoned him too. Either they’re in the Priory, taking emergency anti-depressants, or they’ve quit the party altogether. And those in Labour’s heartlands watching their leader floundering today are probably composting their membership cards right now.
Ed’s central attack looked like an attempt to give Cameron a relaxing massage. He accused the government of offering tax-breaks to the rich. Yet Labour’s top tax-rate was lower for most of their 13 years than it is today.
Cameron took the opportunity to gloat over Labour’s woeful economic record. Northern Rock was allowed to hand out vast mortgages to Geordie paupers. Fred the Shred was given a knighthood for services to banking. And Labour swore blind that they’d abolished boom and bust.
‘When’s he going to apologise?’ Cameron demanded.
‘He’s back to asking questions,’ droned Miliband mechanically. ‘He’s getting ready for opposition.’ His voice sounded so like an Action Man dummy that the Tories craned around to see if they could spot the bit of string disappearing into Miliband’s spine.
Labour’s backbenches took up their leader’s hopeless cause. They tried to portray Cameron as an urchin-maker who has ruthlessly spread child poverty to an extra 300,000 youngsters. Work is the remedy for impoverishment, argued Cameron, and he countered each of his questioners with figures proving that employment was rising in their regions.
Perhaps this is a new economic indicator. If an MP complains about poverty-stricken children, his constituency is returning to growth.
Labour were so cowed and muted that the session took on a festive atmosphere of collegiate back-slapping. Cameron congratulated a crimson-jowled Sir Edward Leigh on collecting his knighthood. And Sir Edward blushed with pride, which actually caused his cheek-colour to fade slightly. William Cash asked the PM to endorse his bill in support of gender equality. Cameron made a weak gag about Cash’s lifelong Euro-scepticism. ‘That wasn’t the bill we were expecting.’ This was more like a pre-drinks get together for a group of Tory clubmen than PMQs.
Another peep of protest rose from Labour’s brooding ranks. Kevin Barron asked Cameron to reveal whether he and his strategist, Lynton Crosby, had ever discussed plain cigarette packaging or minimum alcohol pricing. ‘We discuss destroying Labour’s credibility,’ said Cameron. ‘But even Lynton Crosby isn’t doing as good a job as the party opposite.’
When Paul Farrelly asked about poorer children’s access to top universities Cameron used the question to highlight Labour’s idiotic flip-floppery on academy schools.
First they initiated the policy under Tony Blair. Then they about-turned and decided to oppose it. And now they’ve about-turned on their about-turn. No wonder Labour were looking so glum. As they stare at the government benches, they must ask themselves, ‘What new measure will be proposed, which we must attack, for a bit, before changing our minds and supporting it, while pretending not to?’ Galley-slaves at least know that their exertions are contributing to the ship’s forward thrust. Not Labour. They have less influence over government strategy than the lowliest intern brewing herbal tea at LibDem HQ. Yet they support more and more of the government’s policies. It’s worse than an embarrassment. It’s close to annihilation.
What’s the point of being a member after today? Labour has just joined the Coalition.
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