Lloyd Evans Lloyd Evans

PMQs: Ian Blackford’s trade rage

(Photo by Jessica Taylor/UK Parliament)

Covid changes its identity more often than Grant Shapps. The latest strain emerged with the appealingly exotic name ‘Indian’. Now it’s been given a more military-sounding tag, ‘the Delta variant.’ Today’s PMQs featured a tussle over the date on which this dangerous mutant sneaked through the UK’s borders. Sir Keir Starmer waved a file of papers at Boris. ‘It’s all here in the transcript,’ he said and he accused the PM of waiting too long to slap a ‘red list’ notice on India. 

For once, Sir Keir had his timelines in a twist. Boris flourished a counter-file at the opposition leader. It was written, said the PM, by the general secretary of the Labour party. ‘This is the document on which I believe he is relying.’ Boris quoted a statement that the Indian variant had been identified on 1 April. ‘That’s not the Delta variant,’ said Boris. ‘That’s the Kappa variant.’ Bad news for Sir Keir. His variants were at variance with the truth. Boris gave some advice to ‘Captain Hindsight.’

‘He needs to adjust his retro-spectrometer.’

Even the most kind-hearted observer will have noticed that Blackford hates happiness

The main bout of the day was an unexpected dust-up between Scotland and Australia. The SNP fielded a team of four attacking players while the Aussies, unrepresented in the House, relied on the PM to defend them.

Ian Blackford started things off. Even the most kind-hearted observer will have noticed that Blackford hates happiness. Glee offends him. Smiling is an affront to his sense of rectitude and propriety. An outbreak of delight, even on the other side of the world, is likely to drive him nuts. 

‘This disastrous trade deal is being celebrated in Canberra,’ he said sniffily. Might the Aussies be pleased at the prospect of new mercantile links with their cousins back home? Such a kind thought could never occur to a professional gloomster like Blackford.

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