Puppy love

There have been times since the break-up when I’ve felt so low I’ve opened a bottle of Shiraz and spent the whole night flicking through my mobile-phone photos of the two of us: the sunsets we watched; the meals we shared. I’d remember long walks on the beach and longer mornings in bed. How you’d crawl up over the duvet and wake me by licking my head.

Leaving the boyfriend was surprisingly easy but oh, the agony of losing the dog! My sweet double doodle (that’s a labra-doodle, goldendoodle cross). ‘Yes, she is pretty isn’t she?’ I’d say to the strangers who accosted us. ‘She’s 18 months old and she’s called Stringerbelle after the crack dealer in The Wire.’

Pope Francis’s concern that couples are substituting pets for children is well founded. The fallout is custody battles fought over animals. When Kate Moss left her husband Jamie Hince, they didn’t squabble over the small things (the house, the money) but over Archie, their Staffordshire bull terrier cross. In George Best’s messy divorce from his wife Alex, the biggest row was about the red setters Red and Rua. (She won custody, he got visitation rights.) Will Carling resorted to an out-of-court settlement over Labrador Biff.

I left the dog with the boy. This turned out to be a mistake. I was cast as a reckless mother who’d abandoned her offspring to go out and get drunk (guilty). By the time I’d sobered up, the ex had assumed full custody of Stringerbelle. Now he believes she is his.