Read all about it | 23 May 2013

In Competition No. 2798 you were invited to choose one of the following real headlines from regional newspapers — ‘W. Norwood “Curry Cat” murder latest’, ‘Badger shot by St Ives locksmith’, ‘“Smug” Swans attack dalmatian’ — and to submit the full report behind one of them. ‘Smug Swans attack dalmatian’, from the Ham & High, features in a collection of choice local-paper headlines entitled Whitstable Mum in Custard Shortage (other nuggets include ‘Oven removed from home’ and ‘Road stays open’). The winners earn £25. Adrian Fry takes £30.

Wendy Sownder yesterday found herself the terrified witness of an attack on her dalmatian Lewis by the increasingly eccentric swans of Swindon’s Queens Park. ‘They simply came up and bit him,’ a tearful Ms Sownder explained, ‘and then stood there, smugly preening themselves, knowing they wouldn’t be prosecuted.’ She is not the first to suggest that the swans have evolved an awareness of their immunity from prosecution — established in 1490 — and are relishing their position above the law. As recently as last Tuesday, the swans nonchalantly slashed the tyres of a police car in full view of its driver and several CCTV cameras. Inspector Whiting of Wiltshire Police opined, ‘We can do nothing but appeal to the good nature of these swans.’ But Ms Sownder has resolved to act. ‘I’m petitioning the Queen,’ she informed a press conference, ‘demanding she rescind this exemption. Or eat them.’
Adrian Fry

A locksmith from a Huntingdonshire dramatic society has been charged with accidental wounding. St Ives-born Harry Neasham, whose services are frequently called upon by local police, decided it would be ‘more realistic’ to spice up performances by using a shotgun in a court scene. ‘I’ve often seen what the local boys in blue do,’ he said, ‘and they always draw large audiences when discharging firearms’. He neglected to tell the director or cast, thinking it would be ‘more of a surprise’. Mr Neasham, who has a licence for the gun, mistakenly used live ammunition in a dress rehearsal. As Chief Weasel, he loosed a volley in the third act of Toad of Toad Hall, and injured Jim Pilkington, playing the part of Badger in A.A. Milne’s adaptation of the Grahame classic. Ticket sales have doubled since the incident, although an understudy has been brought in to play Badger.
Bill Greenwell

The report in Wednesday’s West Norwood Advertiser on the ‘Curry Cat’ murder has given rise to several attacks on Indian restaurateurs by local vigilante groups accusing them either of murdering cats for use in curry, or of murdering customers by serving them curried cat. The editor and proprietors wish to point out that there is no truth in these accusations. The report unfortunately mistranscribed the intended headline ‘carry-cot murder’ about a bloodstained carry-cot discovered outside a butcher’s shop. Regrettably, this too was a misunderstanding. The long-discarded carry-cot had apparently been used for several years as a container to transport meat into the freezer room. No children or cats were in fact harmed in any way, although the owner of the first restaurant attacked is currently in a critical condition. Police are seeking his assailants, and have described the subsequent restaurant attacks as ‘coffee-cat crimes’.
Brian Murdoch

Today there was only one topic for the wagging tongues in sleepy St Ives — the tragic fate of ‘Derek’, the stuffed badger that has enjoyed pride of place in the saloon bar of the Bishop’s Finger for as long as anyone can remember.

At the centre of the furore is Verity Whittam, 89-year-old locksmith and licensed gun dealer. Ms Whittam had been left to do some security work for the landlord when, as she explained, ‘I saw that evil bloody animal coming towards me with hate in its eyes. I had no choice.’

The twin blast from her Purdey side-by-side shredded Derek. Ms Whittam continued working on the locks till the police arrived. When it was suggested that she had been at the spirits she reportedly answered, ‘Piss off quick or you’ll get what Derek got.’ A neighbour commented, ‘Everyone knows she’s round the twist.’
G.M. Davis

At a public meeting last night, Mark Chubby, MD, of Waithorn Ltd, denied that his supermarket’s new healthier eating products, Felix Love Life Feline Curries, had any connection with the suspected abduction and killing for meat of hundreds of pet cats in the West Norwood area. Rumours that Waithorn vans had been seen rounding up the animals were totally false. Food technologist and TV celebrity Watford Bloomintart explained that the meat in Felix Curries was sustainably sourced, and humanely reared on Waithorn’s farms in Peru. Feline meat was virtually fat-free. Felix curries were low in salt, and manufactured without sugar. Customers would improve the balance of their diets with every Felix meal. Sentimentality should not blind us to the fact that Waithorn had discovered a wholesome, delicious new source of inexpensive protein. Waithorn was offering a £10,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the criminal pet thieves.
Anne du Croz

Swansea City AFC this week retaliated angrily to comments posted on its supporters’ website by a holidaymaker from Split in Croatia. After attending recent Swans matches, Mr Theodore Mommsen labelled the successful Premier League team ‘complacent’ — a charge fans and players indignantly rebutted. Mommsen asserted: ‘I know football. After all, Croatians invented the game!’ When challenged, he elaborated: ‘Certainly, it’s historic; young Illyrian warriors (Delmata tribe), 1st century BC, kept fit by kicking ball of bull hair. Modern players, here? Not so fit, but smug.’ A club spokesman declared: ‘Our team is international — Welsh, Spanish, Dutch, Belgian, English — and gladly welcomes fans of any nationality. However if Mr Mommsen’s only contributions are negative derisory remarks, he should Split back to where he came from. Our players capably massacred Bradford City 5–0 in the League Final, so they don’t deserve to have a rabid Dalmatian snapping at their heels.’
Graham King