Real life | 12 July 2018

This was going to be about how a major phone company surprised me by delivering a fantastic service.

I was quite excited because secretly I have always wanted to be forced to admit that in spite of my rock bottom expectations, all is right with the world.

It began when I went into the Carphone Warehouse to buy a new iPhone, something I had dreaded and put off for so long that my old iPhone was held together with gaffer tape.

I sat down with a nice chap and told him I wanted a phone exactly like my old one, because I’m weird. He said they no longer did 64 gigawotsits — he said the proper word, obviously. The available options were 32 or 128 and he recommended 128 because 32 was impossibly low and I wouldn’t be able to download. I explained that I didn’t download. ‘What, no apps?’ ‘No apps,’ I said. ‘No apps, no music, no films. Give me 30 gig and let me go,’ I pleaded, and I revealed that I had a case of hives and a panic attack head buzz coming on already.

‘Fine, calm down,’ he said, getting narky, and he started to look for deals. Oh dear God, why do they call them deals? They are anything but deals. Deals for them, maybe. He explained that I could have a phone I didn’t want for £189.95, or a phone I wanted even less for £399.95. ‘What about the free upgrade EE has been texting me about for months?’ I asked.

‘Yes, these are the free upgrades. It’s £189.95 or if you want a really good phone…’

‘Stop! Just give me the cheapest phone on the cheapest deal.’ He really didn’t want to do that but I forced him to and then the trouble began.