Before Wayne and Waynetta Slob pretended I had run into the back of their car, my annual insurance premium was £372.
Now that Mr and Mrs Slob’s ludicrously spurious claim for ‘soft tissue damage’ is well under way, can you guess what my renewal premium is?
I’ll give you a clue. I rang Aviva to try to get them to explain the thinking behind the new figure.
I spoke to a nice guy, let’s call him Steve, who went to great lengths to try to explain the increase.
OK, so he didn’t go to great lengths until I threatened to commit suicide. Until I threatened to commit suicide, he said the new premium had been ‘generated by the computer’ and it was not for him, nor any other human being on this planet or indeed on any other planet, to try to explain it.
His exact words were, ‘We don’t manually calculate it. Our computer generates it. It is all done behind the scenes.’ Spooky. When I asked if there was a human being who had at some stage operated the computer as it was making its calculations, he said: ‘There will have been, yes.’ When I asked if I could therefore speak to that person about its mysterious imaginings, he said, and I quote, ‘No one will be able to tell you anything.’
So I told him that if he didn’t tell me something I was going to get a big, sharp knife and slash a main artery while I was on the phone to him.
Perhaps, Steve said, he might be able to explain how the computer had generated the new figure after all.
I always knew I was going to lose part of my no claims bonus. But it turns out that my insurability has been damaged beyond recognition by the nature of the claim the Slobs have made.