Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Real life | 3 December 2011

Hilarious as it would be to say I had a crash on my way to trade my car in for a new one, I’m not entirely sure that was what happened.

I was driving very slowly down Streatham High Road on my way to Croydon where the new Volvo awaited me. The traffic was bumper to bumper and we were crawling at a few miles an hour. Barely moving, I gazed out of the window and when I looked back I had shunted almost soundlessly into the car in front. It was one of those prangs where you are not entirely sure the other party has felt it.

I could see there was no mark on the car in front. But it pulled over immediately so I did, too. I jumped out smiling. ‘Gosh, I am sorry,’ I called as the driver got out. ‘But you’re all right. No marks or anything.’ As I checked my car, which was also unblemished, a woman got out of the back seat. She was, and I’m not going to put too fine a point on this, a dead ringer for Waynetta Slob in The Harry Enfield Show. Greasy hair, spotty skin, missing teeth, the lot. She began to cavort in the road like a pantomime dame. ‘Owww! Ooooooo! Oooooooh! Aaaaaaaagh! Me back! Me back!’ she was yelling.

‘Whatever is the matter with her?’ I said to her husband, who stood there limply like a neutered Billy goat.

‘Owwww! Oooh! Aaaaaargh! I’ve got whiplash!’ she screeched. ‘’Ere, I’ve got whiplash, Jim, I ’ave, real bad it is. Owwwwwww! Ooooooooooooo!’ And she clutched her back and staggered about.

‘Excuse me, madam,’ I said, ‘but my car barely touched you. There is not a mark on your vehicle, nor a mark on mine. And whiplash affects the neck, so you might want to grasp that instead of your lower back.’

‘Owwwww! Ooooo! I’ve got screws in me spine! It’s ’ad it now! ’Ow’s your back, Jim?’ To which the man suddenly grabbed his back and yelled, ‘Ow! Yeah, it’s bad.

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