Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Real life | 4 May 2017

My mortgage funds have gone missing because of an administrative blooper

A gentleman on Twitter ‘writes’ to say I’m boring him with my house move. ‘Snooze-fest’, says this chap, and he posts a little yellow unhappy face or ‘emoticon’, which passes for articulate on Twitter.

I’ve never heard of this fellow, although it is likely he is some kind of pundit with followers in the blogosphere who rely on him to tell them what is boring and what is not.

I suspect I’m not alone in not knowing who he is, and that no one, including his own mother, has heard of him and that this being Twitter it is entirely likely he has not even heard of himself.

However, I am consumer orientated. I take customer satisfaction extremely seriously and the last thing I want to do is dismiss one complaint just because it’s from an embittered failed author sitting in his underpants in his back bedroom (for example).

I want to address it and make recompense. As such, this week’s offering — which I’m calling The One Where I Manage To Lose £100,000 — is for you, Mr Unsmiley Face.

My mortgage funds have gone missing because of an administrative blooper.

After last week’s ‘boring’ column, in which I told you how my house sale and purchase had hit the buffers because the owner of my dream cottage in the country pulled out of exchange of contracts without warning three days before moving day, I had to start unravelling everything.

I cancelled my removals, restarted the gas and electric, tried to uncancel the possibly only half-cancelled Sky (which obviously failed) and opened a new Thames Water account because the Thames Water computer didn’t have a button to press for ‘deranged woman not moving house any more’. Incidentally, British Gas did have such a button and it worked beautifully.

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