Return to sender

In Competition No. 2781 you were invited to devise a riposte to a nauseating Christmas round-robin letter that would deter the author from ever sending another. My favourite of Lynne Truss’s half-dozen responses to persistent round-robiners, broadcast on Radio 4, was take six: ‘I’ve decided, finally, to try a more direct approach. Here it comes. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME THESE NEWSLETTERS.’

But perhaps the whole exercise is ill judged. After all, these compendiums of boasts, bad jokes, inappropriate intimacies and inconsequential information contribute enormously to festive cheer, providing much merriment at their authors’ expense. We may mock, but how we would miss them. This week’s extra fiver goes to Adrian Fry. The rest take £25 apiece.

Dear Duff-Scriveners,
Many thanks for your festive round robin, which reminded me of so many ominously idyllic opening scenes in bygone disaster movies.  I’ll be wondering all year whether Grandpa Bob (89 years young!) suffers sudden coronary or slow decline into dementia, whether Chloe’s PhD in PPE portends a career in government or a life in therapy (and which is worse) and whether you can all beat jihadist meltdown to the streets of your latest Third World holiday destination.  The visits to A&E the kiddies trampoline is certain to engender will be the more piquant for your account of its rapturous reception ‘chez our house’ and Roddy’s decision to launch his internet consultancy business should furnish us with an excellent barometer when recession triple dips. Just don’t drop that oleaginous Panglossian style — spotting a fracturing marriage from allusions to ‘separate holidays’ and ‘making more me time’ is half the fun.
Adrian Fry
 
Daphne dearest: thanksissima for your meticulously itemised annual bulletin; so pleased that Roger’s latest rehab sessions are going well. I always say dedication is the first step to conquering addiction; even his strange variety.