Ribaldry

In Competition No. 2995 you were invited to submit ribald limericks as they might have been written by a well-known poet.

William Baring-Gould, who wrote a history of the genre, noted that when a limerick appears, sex is not far behind And the writer Norman Douglas considered limericks to be ‘jovial things… a yea-saying to life in a world that has grown grey’.

The cheering winners of what was a hugely popular comp are rewarded with £8 each.
 

Though most of my loves are Platonicer,
It was always quite different with Monica.
If I’ve got a hard ’un
Down there in the garden,
We do it behind the Japonica.
John Whitworth/Philip Larkin
 
Although candy is dandy, what’s finer
And much quicker is liquor, so wine her.
Is a peck on the cheek
All the boon that you seek?
Tut! The odds say your goal’s her vaginer.
Max Gutmann/Ogden Nash
 
Daddy, won’t you get out of my head?
(Oh I bet you were beastly in bed!)
You were fascist and vile
And I think of you while
Being thoroughly rogered by Ted.
George Simmers/Sylvia Plath
 
When I met her, my married half-sister
Looked like me in a gown, so I kissed her.
If I see my reflection,
I get an erection,
And that’s why I couldn’t resist her.
Susan McLean/Byron
 
He would tickle the Feathers — of Hope —
Should he slather my Breasts with rich Soap —
And the shape of my Sole —
O, such loud Barcarole —
Singing Bind Me, Securely — with Rope.
D.A. Prince/Emily Dickinson
 
A wildly priapic young fellow
Sported trousers of daffodil-yellow
Which at parties he’d doff
To insanely jerk off,
After which he’d feel placid and mellow.
Basil Ransome-Davies/William Wordsworth
 
I will tell you the truth about love.
Before tentative push comes to shove
I’ll be happy to find
That it’s you I’m behind
Or below or beside or above.
Martin Parker/W.H. Auden
 
Ophelia said ‘Let’s have some grub,
’Cos I’m starving.’ ‘Of course, tiger-cub,’
Replied Hamlet, ‘But first,
Thou must deal with my wurst.