Lucy Vickery


In Competition No. 2995 you were invited to submit ribald limericks as they might have been written by a well-known poet.

William Baring-Gould, who wrote a history of the genre, noted that when a limerick appears, sex is not far behind And the writer Norman Douglas considered limericks to be ‘jovial things… a yea-saying to life in a world that has grown grey’.

The cheering winners of what was a hugely popular comp are rewarded with £8 each.

Though most of my loves are Platonicer,
It was always quite different with Monica.
If I’ve got a hard ’un
Down there in the garden,
We do it behind the Japonica.
John Whitworth/Philip Larkin
Although candy is dandy, what’s finer
And much quicker is liquor, so wine her.
Is a peck on the cheek
All the boon that you seek?
Tut! The odds say your goal’s her vaginer.
Max Gutmann/Ogden Nash
Daddy, won’t you get out of my head?
(Oh I bet you were beastly in bed!)
You were fascist and vile
And I think of you while
Being thoroughly rogered by Ted.
George Simmers/Sylvia Plath
When I met her, my married half-sister
Looked like me in a gown, so I kissed her.
If I see my reflection,
I get an erection,
And that’s why I couldn’t resist her.
Susan McLean/Byron
He would tickle the Feathers — of Hope —
Should he slather my Breasts with rich Soap —
And the shape of my Sole —
O, such loud Barcarole —
Singing Bind Me, Securely — with Rope.
D.A. Prince/Emily Dickinson
A wildly priapic young fellow
Sported trousers of daffodil-yellow
Which at parties he’d doff
To insanely jerk off,
After which he’d feel placid and mellow.
Basil Ransome-Davies/William Wordsworth
I will tell you the truth about love.
Before tentative push comes to shove
I’ll be happy to find
That it’s you I’m behind
Or below or beside or above.

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