Sellotape and string pants

More than ever in the UK, fuel bills now resemble school fees and so, despite the bitter cold, few of us can afford full-on 24-hour heating. But, driven by desperation, I’ve been researching the matter and have discovered several ways of surviving this miserable weather. Forget about replacement double glazing: it looks nasty and it doesn’t pay for itself until you are over 100. But if you don’t mind living in a house that shrieks ‘credit crunch’ to visitors, there are ways of keeping the cold out and the bills down.

First attend to your windows: attach cling film with double-sided tape (try your local DIY shop) to your window frames. Apply a hair dryer to get it taut as a drum. It lasts one winter. Of course, if you need to escape in the event of a fire you will be broiled alive by yards of burning plastic, but then life isn’t without risks.

Another trick, and a pleasurable job to boot, is to acquire some ‘gift width’ Sellotape and line every window join and tape up any French doors you have. Four reels should seal the average sized house and it’s amazingly effective as a draft stopper. Remember to remove any door keys and cover the holes. Your front-door letterbox is usually a wind-chill spot, so seal it and forget about any post until the spring.

Open fireplaces are a mixed blessing. What fuel to use? House coal is a problem (wholesalers won’t deliver it to smokeless zones so, if you live in town, you are stuck with bags of expensive smokeless nuggets) and thanks to a current global coal shortage it’s a hefty price. If you have a large-ish fireplace, wood is the answer.