Shared opinion | 13 December 2008

I dread to think why a Liberal Democrat would want to impersonate a traffic warden. It wouldn’t just be to get free parking. Not with them. It would have to be a sex thing. Some kind of NCP-themed bondage dungeon; an underground den kitted out to look like an underground car park. ‘You’ve been a very naughty motorist.’ Yes, traffic mistress. ‘You’ve been feeding your meter, haven’t you?’ Yes, traffic mistress. ‘So what is to be your punishment? The double-yellow, or a clamp on your red route?’ Both, traffic mistress…

Gaaaargh. Gaaargh and aaaaargh. But hold. Because you probably don’t actually know what I’m talking about, do you? At least, not if you live in Britain. Elsewhere in the world, you might. You see, I’m talking about Chris Huhne. He made a speech last week, and his words made headlines from Paris to Beijing. Auckland, Pretoria and Tokyo, too. Pretty much everywhere, in fact, except for Britain. We didn’t give a hoot. I’ve been wondering why.

It could just be that our papers don’t much go in for quirky news. I’ve only seen Mr Huhne’s global coverage online, obviously, but my hunch would be that most of it appeared in back-page sidebar columns, alongside stories entitled ‘My Sister Married My Toothbrush’ and ‘Foal Drives Rally Car’ and suchlike. For Mr Huhne was trotting out one of his favourite bugbears, and that bugbear is weird laws. Labour has created 3,600 new laws since 1997. Not all of them are weird, but Mr Huhne feels that many are.

He is particularly upset that the law specifically prohibits creating a nuclear explosion, as he feels that anybody doing so could probably be prosecuted for other offences, such as murder. ‘Other of the new offences,’ he went on, ‘include: wilfully pretending to be a barrister; disturbing a pack of eggs when instructed not to by an authorised officer; obstructing workers carrying out repairs to the Docklands Light Railway; offering for sale a game bird killed on a Sunday or Christmas Day.’