Shared Opinion | 2 May 2009

Mandelson’s fixation with bananas repays study: it shows that he has not really changed

Bananas on the mind. It’s Mandelson’s fault. There I was at the weekend, reading an interview with him in the Times. This was the new Mandelson, Lord Mandelson, the one who longs to go on Strictly Come Dancing, and only wears those soft cashmere jumpers, you can tell, to boost the impression that he could give you a kindly and wonderful hug. It was working. I was warming to the man. And then bananas. Bananas everywhere.

How did Gordon Brown lure him back into government? ‘We sat down,’ he told the newspaper, ‘over a couple of sandwiches, a yogurt and a banana. I should have seen the telltale signs they were trying to corrupt me.’

Corrupt him? Peter Mandelson? With sandwiches, yogurt and a banana? You’d think you’d need something grander. A house, maybe. But still, at that point my thoughts remained idle. Just a weird thing about bananas. No biggie.

Two paragraphs later, though, he goes to see Blair. ‘I arrived at Tony’s office and he said, “Gordon’s just been on the phone.” I said, “What? You as well?” He said, “No, you banana, it’s you.”’

The second banana. Ooof. Had me reeling. That’s a pattern. One weird banana from Peter Mandelson just raises eyebrows. Two weird bananas can only raise suspicions. Although of what, I just can’t figure out. But it must be something. There must be a reason. Forked tongues never slip.

The first time I went on television, I promised my girlfriend I’d say the word ‘penguin’. I think a lot of people do this kind of thing. I didn’t manage it that time, because it was late at night, we were talking about Trident and I was rather out of my element (as would have been… a penguin?).