"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"

On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce, promotion, emigration. But rarely is the car an unwanted gift. Terry124 stated that he was selling his Mercedes E320 CDI estate because it was ‘a Christmas present for the missis, but she hated it’. After years of scrutinising eBay car ads, I like to think I can distinguish between sellers who have a basic respect for the truth and those who habitually palter with it. But with this one I couldn’t decide. It had a ring of truth, certainly, and it ended on a touchingly plaintive note with: ‘I’m an honest man.’ But the car’s description, with the homely bit about ‘the missis’, could so easily have been an inspired load of flannel designed to appeal to the misogynist community. The car was exactly what I was looking for, however. Low miles, full service history, ‘recent new injectors’ and standard wheels. So I called the number.

Terry answered. Estuary accent. I told him I wasn’t sure I believed the bit about his wife. That was my opener. ‘Listen,’ he said. ‘I’ll tell you what happened. My wife likes to go shopping. It’s all she does. She’s so materialistic, she likes me to pull her knickers down and slap her bottom with my current-account chequebook. We’ve been married 25 years and I love her to bits. Last Christmas I wanted to get her a car with a bigger boot so she could get more shopping bags in. So after looking at loads of cars for sale, I bought her an E320 estate. It’s got all she wants or needs: a massive boot, vanity mirror light, airbag. The boot’s so roomy, her sister’s nippers can run around in it. Perfect.