A couple of years ago there was a programme on the BBC in which well-known public figures gamely revealed the contents of their school reports. We learnt that Margaret Thatcher was a ray of sunshine in the classroom: ‘Her cheeriness makes her a very pleasant member of her form’. And if David Beckham (‘makes good cakes’) is looking for a career change he could always give Mr Kipling a call.
There was a bumper crop of entries this week. Commendations to Barry Baldwin and Lynn Haken for entertaining glimpses of the schoolboy Jesus. The winners, printed below, get £25 apiece. Top of the form is Bill Greenwell, who scoops the extra fiver.
Master BUNYAN hath best revise Arithmetick, according to the proportion of every one, and additions round about (1 Kings 7:35-37). He hath also needs study his Physicks and Chemistrie that he be cunning in knowledge, and understanding science (Daniel 1:3-5). Let him also attend to the spellings in his Historie essay after the composition of it (Exodus 30:32). In Footeball, let him score his Penalties — as to his kicks, they catch them in their net (Habakkuk 1:15), for which, to an On-Looker, it is as sport to a fool (Proverbs 10:23). As a Prefect, he hath much impressed the New Boys, for he openeth also their ear to discipline (Job 36:10). Nevertheless, we say to him, of his Woodwork, as to all Boys, work with your own hands (1 Thessalonians 4:11). Remember: at Bedford Grammar, There is a league (1 Kings 15:19), that is published unto all people (Esther 8:13).
Bill Greenwell/John Bunyan
Gordon has impressed everyone here with his drive and ebullience. His direct way of communication has rubbed off on his fellow pupils and even some of the f*****g staff. Largely due to his forthright representations, the science labs were modernised, albeit at the cost of the glassware, which we acknowledged was indeed a load of palsied f*****g crap. He has been a pillar of the school football team, becoming captain when his predecessor suffered a nervous breakdown. In that position he was instrumental in achieving the school’s first win over its traditional rivals, those poncey piss-farting twats from St Dominic’s. His performance in the classroom has been satisfactory, especially when one takes into account the unusual rise in the turnover of his teachers. W*****s. All in all, Gordon is well equipped to succeed in the next phase of his life and the sooner the f*****g better.
Noel Petty/Gordon Ramsay
In History, has a faultless recall of every England victory, but John’s Geography is weaker, with tiresome observations that the Dutch have a mountain to climb. His English literary criticism is succinct; makes use of emphatic syllables such as ‘Mac-Beth, good play’. In Art he completed an appraisal of the Cubists condemning their overuse of the square ball. His Modern Languages essay, ‘l’Homme dans le Moyen’ (sic) showed grudging respect for French philosophy with the conclusion that if M. Descartes thought it was offside, therefore it was. In P.E., however, he continues to disrupt rugby games with calls of ‘hand-ball, surely’. He is clearly religious; when Drama showed slides of Oberammergau he declared, ‘Oh, great cross’. Matron asks that he stop accusing Italian pupils of simulating illness, and would Mrs Motson permit an Asperger’s assessment as Maths staff say he relates everything to sixty-six.
John Samson/John Motson
I regret to say that William has been placed on the Reluctant Attenders’ register. This reflects his persistently dilatory approach to school and his half-hearted attitude towards disciplined learning in general. As a consequence, his attainments in Latin could charitably be described as modest, whilst his Greek is at a level beneath even the most charitable consideration. He must realise that without a mastery of the Classical languages nothing of value is to be essayed in one’s native tongue. He has shown some aptitude in History but he remains far too prone to supplying the gaps in his basic knowledge with fanciful embroideries of his own. In Geography, similarly, he too often lets his wayward imagination take the place of a rigorous regard for the facts.
Overall, however, William is not entirely without merits: were he to apply himself more diligently to his studies, he might achieve a respectable mediocrity.
W.J. Webster/William Shakespeare
Dear Mr & Mrs Shipman
The conventions of report writing would usually find your son’s tutors writing this. The sudden demise of all three, however, renders this impossible. As headmaster I express my pleasure at his academic progress and the blossoming of his interpersonal skills.
Harold was a great comfort to Mr Oliver (mathematics ) as he lay dying at the foot of the hall stairs. Mrs James appreciated Harold’s attempts to save her husband (biology) as he drowned during the nature study expedition. The science block will be rebuilt soon. How fortunate that Harold, the sole survivor of the explosion, was in the toilet.
I am sure that whatever career Harold chooses to pursue he will make his mark. I look forward to hearing of it. Meanwhile, thank you for the chocolates sent via Harold. They may help to quell the stomach pains I am now experiencing.
Sincerely, George Anderson
Mervyn Scamell/Harold Shipman
Master Albert inhabits a world unknown to his peers. He shuns group activities, preferring the self-absorption of model-making and complex problem-solving; these he pursues with singular gravity.
Punctuality remains poor. He has a distorted notion of time which, in his opinion, is measurable only from the standpoint of the observer. Teachers cannot convince him that school hours are real, not relative. His dedication to mathematics, while laudable in itself, lacks method: solutions show no working. He is, in this respect, a loose cannon and such articles of ordnance are incompatible with the subject’s more conventional artillery.
As to the future: Albert may well make a passable violinist, provided he suppresses the urge to quantify music in terms of String Theory. Also, I should be grateful if you asked him to explain his assertion that ‘God does not play marbles’.
Mike Morrison/Albert Einstein
Competition No 2533: A life examined
You are invited to submit an obituary of a well-known fictional character (150 words maximum). Entries to ‘Competition 2533’ by 21 February or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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