In Competition No. 3141, you were invited to submit a song we can sing instead of ‘Happy Birthday’ during hand-washing.
Congratulations all round: this challenge produced a cheering entry — funny, varied and drawing inspiration from far and wide; from the Knack’s ‘My Sharona’ to the Hokey-Cokey.
Commendations to David Silverman, Frank Upton and Nick Syrett. The winners earn £25 each.
And now the peak is near,So wash your hands with soap and water.My friends, I’ll say it clear,We wash our hands because we oughta.We’ve lived a life that’s freeWith many friends who all desire us;But now it’s time to killCoronavirus.
We loved, we coughed and sniffed,We gave high fives, our share of sneezing.But now, old habits shiftBecause our friends have started wheezing.So now we wash our handsAnd sing a song that might inspire us.O no! O no not me!Coronavirus.Nick MacKinnon (to the tune of ‘My Way’)
I have heard it on the TV news and watched the videoThat the Covid-19 virus will be beaten when we showSolidarity in washing hands while singing loudly, soSome soap will save us all.
We are queuing up for basins in a thousand public loos,Harmonising with the gushing taps in any song we chooseIn a measured twenty-seconds (some sing opera, some the blues)While soap will save us all.
No more handshakes, hugs or kisses now, a simple soapy-gropeIs the only weapon left and so, from Dawkins to the Pope,We will wash and slosh while singing in the true and certain hopeThat soap will save us all.
Soap and scrub for twenty seconds,Sing aloud for twenty seconds,Save the world in twenty seconds,Our soap will save us all.D.A. Prince (to the tune of ‘The Battle Hymn of theRepublic’
“ At first we weren’t afraid, now we’re petrifiedIt started out in China, now the threat has gone worldwideWe hadn’t thought that it could spread past Korea and Hong KongBut it grew strongAnd now it’s all going Pete TongBut we’ll fight backPass me that soapI’m going to wash that virus off, it truly is our only hopeThank God I got that big supply, quilted luxury four-plyAll my cupboards full of tins, bags of pasta piled up high!Now we can’t go, out of our door In isolationNo callers welcome anymoreHand sanitiser toprevent the long goodbyeTurn on those tapsLet’s wash our hands so we don’t die!Fiona Hurlock (to the tune of ‘I Will Survive’)
“ And did these hands in carefree timesAttract some viruses unseen?And did they touch some tainted spot,Some corner that was left unclean?And were there friends of friends who caughtThe dreaded bug and passed it on,And they in turn unknowing broughtDisaster here and then were gone?I will not rest till I have washedBeneath these nails that might breed ill,I’ll splash hot water till it hurtsAll threats invisible to kill.Give me my soap to ease my task,Give me my brush to scratch and scrape,Pass me that towel to dry my handsThat from all perils I might escape.Max Ross (to the tune of ‘Jerusalem’)
Hello soap bar my old friend,handwashing’s sent me round the bend;but every time by chance I touch my face,back to the bathroom sink I have to race,and the door handle may be a germ ambush in my gripafter each trip — steeped in coronavirus.
On beans and toilet rolls I’ll stock,and greet my pals like Mr Spock;‘Live long and prosper!’ is a safer takethan kissing, fist bumps or a sweaty shake;self-isolation and social-distancing are the trend if we intendto beat coronavirus.Paul Freeman/to the tune of ‘The Sound of Silence’
Oh,yeah, I’ll tell you something.I hope you’ll understand.Whenever I get near you,I want to wash my hands!
Yeah, you might have something.Your trav’ling should be banned.So please, keep your distance,And let me wash my hands.(Now, let me wash my ha-a-a-a-ands.I want to wash my hands.)
And if I touched you I would panic and hide.Given the choice, I’d rather guzzle cyanide(Cyanide, cyaniiiiiide)!Max Gutmann (to the tune of ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’)
No. 3144: alphabetical
You are invited to submit a poem, six lines at the most, containing all the letters of the alphabet. Please email entries to firstname.lastname@example.org by midday on 8 April.