In Comp 3368 you were invited to update a well-known story from the Bible to make it ‘speak to’ life in 2024. There were a few Good Samaritans, Prodigal Sons and Cana weddings, and a splendid trio of Noahs. A special mention goes to David Silverman’s version of Psalm 23, which didn’t fit the remit but offers alternative comfort in these troubled times:
The Lord is my life coach – I shall not stress.
He empowereth me with positive affirmations
And leadeth me to wellness strategies,
Building my emotional resilience.
He teacheth me mindfulness techniques,
Emotional regulation and cognitive reappraisal.
Praise be to the multitudes of runners-up (too many to name) and the winners receive £25.
Genesis unfolds in a world obsessed with instant gratification. God, after days of generating, steps back to admire His Universe, but instead of ‘Awesome, dude!’, He’s met with endless notifications about eco crises, trigger warnings, Facebook rants. ‘Let there be light,’ He declares, only for Amazon/Paramount/Disney+ (‘I didn’t want these!’) to interrupt, ‘New series just dropped!’ Nature grows, and plants are tagged in endless selfies as ‘#NatureGoals’. When God creates humans, they’re given smartphones instead of free will. ‘You may enjoy anything,’ He says, ‘but DON’T eat the fruit of misinformation.’ Naturally they click – chaos. As Mankind plummets into distraction, God sighs, ‘I shoulda stuck to making cats!’ Ironically, in a world flooded with information, oceans are evaporating, and Truth, Peace, Joy, Duty are deluged in updates, doom-scrolling and likes.
Mark Brown
Captain Noah reported that loading was well advanced, with 1,000 breeding pairs now on board. Mx Hardblow considered this heteronormative selection process to fly directly in the face of diversity and inclusion. Capt Noah said he had included beasts from all parts of the globe, but that he needed them to be able to raise young.
Mx Hardblow cited the case of two male penguins raising an egg with just as much care as any heterosexual penguin couple, and said most animals were probably non-binary. Captain Noah responded that the penguins would have had trouble laying the original egg. Mx Hardblow said the obvious solution was to pair a natal female penguin whose behaviour showed that they identified as male with a cis male bird, thus overcoming the egg problem and demonstrating inclusion in action.
Capt Noah unexpectedly left the meeting. This will be recorded as a micro-aggression.
Helen George
So Jairus comes to Jesus, he says, My daughter, she in bed, she dying, man, she good as dead. And the crowd says, Jairus, nothing to do with ‘good as’, she dead 100 per cent. And Jesus says, Jairus? And he says, Yes. And Jesus says, I got this, you better believe me. And he goes to the home, he says, this girl not dead, only sleeping, leave me please. And he says to Jairus’ daughter, it’s a school day, right? And she says, Maybe, but don’t tell my Dad, right? And Jesus says, wait, you been excluded? And she says, yeah but how you know that, and Jesus says, DO NOT ASK ME HOW I KNOW WHAT I KNOW, RIGHT. And she says, Game over, but I ain’t done my homework. And Jesus says, here’s a note, Talitha. She says, new name? Cool. And the crowd says, This is so sick!
Bill Greenwell
When Jesus had but five loaves of bread and two fish to feed the multitude, he said, who wants battered and who wants crumbed? And 200 did reply, but we are gluten-free, Lord. And some did cry, is this organic and hormone-free? We only eat keto. Then a man did ask, Lord, have these been sustainably fished? Thou had better not have used electric pulse trawls. Do not overfish thy quota. And a family did say, our kids only eat fish fingers, Lord, thou could have fried a few. Where are the chips? Then a woman did sigh, this had better not be bloody sourdough, I am off carbs. Another man said, I prefer the manna diet myself. Then one teenager did say, could you turn the water into coffee, Lord, and maketh frappuccinos? The disciples did take selfies with the hashtag #lunchwithMessiah. And Jesus did call Uber Eats.
Janine Beacham
Jesus told them the parable of the online influencer. ‘An online influencer cast upon the internet videos showing her unboxing ludicrous shoes, overpraising Taylor Swift and emoting cutely over a thousand puppy videos. Some of her posts – usually those in which she aired even the mildest of social or even dietary preferences – attracted only trolls. Other content she released on platforms so unfashionable – one can’t name them for commercial reasons, but think Vine or Friendster – no one so much as saw. Others of her creations fell among a multiplicity of identically unique artistic responses to the latest movie, hairspray, pizza topping or prom dress that they failed to differentiate themselves from the crowd. But some of her content earned likes which increased thirty-, sixty- or a hundredfold when retweeted by a weathergirl of promise or in receipt of approving emojis from Joey Essex. He who has fingers, let him click.’
Adrian Fry
Yea verily, a dude(lette) was making his-her-their-anybody’s way from the vape shop to the half-fade tattooist’s when suddenly, disaster struck: battery warning lights started flashing on their phone!
‘Stone the crows!’ they said, though not in a way that might cause distress to any birdies present. ‘I’m facing minutes, possibly hours, without my beloved mobile: it’s life or death!’ They began to ask passers-by for help in finding the vital charger. First, someone with immaculate stubble and a copy of the Guardian said, ‘Sorry, pal, I’m off to a charity meeting,’ and crossed the road. Next, a student covered in red dye apologised and said she had to go and glue herself to a painting. Finally, in despair, they asked a gammon in red corduroys. ‘Have my phone,’ he said. ‘I’m all for community action!’
The Good Gammonian: you never know who your friends are till the lights are flashing.
Nicholas Lee
No. 3371: Potato, potahto
You are invited to rewrite the lyrics to ‘Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off’ to be sung not by Fred and Ginger but by another mismatched couple (16 lines max). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk by 9 October.
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