Spectator Competition: Chapter and verse

In Comp 3368 you were invited to update a well-known story from the Bible to make it ‘speak to’ life in 2024. There were a few Good Samaritans, Prodigal Sons and Cana weddings, and a splendid trio of Noahs. A special mention goes to David Silverman’s version of Psalm 23, which didn’t fit the remit but offers alternative comfort in these troubled times:

The Lord is my life coach – I shall not stress.

He empowereth me with positive affirmations

And leadeth me to wellness strategies,

Building my emotional resilience.

He teacheth me mindfulness techniques,

Emotional regulation and cognitive reappraisal.

Praise be to the multitudes of runners-up (too many to name) and the winners receive £25.

Genesis unfolds in a world obsessed with instant gratification. God, after days of generating, steps back to admire His Universe, but instead of ‘Awesome, dude!’, He’s met with endless notifications about eco crises, trigger warnings, Facebook rants. ‘Let there be light,’ He declares, only for Amazon/Paramount/Disney+ (‘I didn’t want these!’) to interrupt, ‘New series just dropped!’ Nature grows, and plants are tagged in endless selfies as ‘#NatureGoals’. When God creates humans, they’re given smartphones instead of free will. ‘You may enjoy anything,’ He says, ‘but DON’T eat the fruit of misinformation.’ Naturally they click – chaos. As Mankind plummets into distraction, God sighs, ‘I shoulda stuck to making cats!’ Ironically, in a world flooded with information, oceans are evaporating, and Truth, Peace, Joy, Duty are deluged in updates, doom-scrolling and likes.

Mark Brown

Captain Noah reported that loading was well advanced, with 1,000 breeding pairs now on board. Mx Hardblow considered this heteronormative selection process to fly directly in the face of diversity and inclusion. Capt Noah said he had included beasts from all parts of the globe, but that he needed them to be able to raise young.

Mx Hardblow cited the case of two male penguins raising an egg with just as much care as any heterosexual penguin couple, and said most animals were probably non-binary.