In Competition 3383 you were invited to submit a Tripadvisor-type review by an alien who has visited Earth for the first time. Frank Upton pointed out that it could have been titled ‘Mostly Harmless’, Ford Prefect’s entire entry for Earth in The Hitch-hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The submissions were full of inventive detail and hard to whittle down. I liked Bill Greenwell’s prankster alien: ‘Staid the nihgt on Manhattan, enjoyd the screeming, skyscapers were a pushover.’ Jonathan White’s extraterrestrial dug jazz (‘an audible chaos I could resonate with’) while Mark Ambrose’s was amused by Earthlings believing Stonehenge to be manmade: ‘Some of the ancient stones from Kalibor’s moon have fallen down, but you can still make out the first landing site.’ Chris O’Carroll’s visitor was pithy about humanity’s prospects: ‘We wish them well.’ The £25 John Lewis vouchers go to the following.
From intergalactic space, Earth enticed; a warming blue-green bauble: so much for advertising. On arrival, we found two whole thirds of the place ocean, which was both unhealthily saline and monotonous to experience, while too much of the land proved beige. The so-called ‘sights’ were predominantly stretches of peculiarly convex or concave landscape, the remainder being pathetic architectural sallies on the part of the natives to compete with same. Abstract beauty at times distinguished the flora, though the best of it flourished in areas devoid of properly educative signage. The resident bipeds kept insisting upon taking us to their leaders – convinced the idea was ours – though we are apolitical and only wanted a drink and a sit down. We asked these leaders what there was to do on Earth, receiving a surprising number of invitations to participate in armed combat on their behalf. Asvacationers, we naturally demurred.
Adrian Fry
We booked our trip to Planet 3 with Star Trekkers. They’re a great company and we had a blast. The kids loved the activities, including using our ship’s thrusters to make fun shapes in agricultural plantations and the ‘how-slow-can-you-go’ challenge, where they took the controls to try and fly alongside one of the ancient winged machines used by the aboriginals. Qzzsk got bored and zoomed us 12 miles up into space in three seconds, to general hilarity. The highlight was the hands-on wildlife experience: we beamed up an aboriginal and examined it. Yours truly got to have a go with the probe – what fun! When we put the creature back where we had found it (more or less) our guide told it: ‘Take me to your leader,’ which had us in stitches. Planet 3, of course, does not have what we recognise as leaders.
Joseph Houlihan
You don’t go to Earth (what a dull name – wake up, Tourism Earth!) for the atmosphere. That’s thin and full of nitrogen, which made us put on weight (don’t forget your H2S tablets). The fascinating thing about this Class M planet is the way it is divided up into ‘countries’, with ‘governments’, since the Earthians seem incapable of organising anything without a hierarchy telling them what to do. We preferred the authoritarian countries as being authentically ‘Earthy’ – think sandroller nest back home – and if you’ve only got time for one, choose China. Every kind of scenery; food like home if you know where to look; things work; and you can get away from the huge expanses of sodium chloride solution that waste so much space on this planet. Do watch out for one thing, though – we smell as funny to Earthians as they do to us! But enjoy!
Frank Upton
One thing that can safely be said about Earth is that it is a planet of contrasts. Even its population requires two differential human anatomies with interlocking organs to reproduce itself. This is called ‘mating’, and an immense portion of mental, social and cultural life on Earth is concerned with it. Don’t be put off – it is their way, and a very popular one. The danger of overpopulation is averted by mortal antagonisms. This is another proof that Earth’s core dynamic is a systematic balance of opposites. So the general ‘vibe’, as a native might say, is volatile. The UK, an island nation, was chosen as a case study. Our researchers found that its instability was off the scale, but the range of archaic ruins, picturesque fire-damaged buildings, abandoned transport projects and miraculous sewage overflows that can be visited has to be seen to be believed.
Basil Ransome-Davies
1 Star: Nice scenery, shame about the bipeds.
We finally landed after flying for what seemed like literally seconds over endless blueish stuff which the locals apparently call ‘water’ and then over glorious mountains, empty deserts and dense forests. So far, so 5 Stars. We were even welcomed by some cute quadrupeds and winged bipeds who call this planet home. This place is paradise, we thought, and looked for somewhere to stay – perhaps a nice boutique yurt like on Alpha Centauri 5. We set out to look for what the earthlings like to call ‘civilisation’. BIG mistake! There were no signs of intelligent life among the strange one-headed, largely hairless bipeds and certainly no courtesy. We were met with either attempted wisecracks like ‘Take me to your leader’ and ‘Phone home!’ or placards emblazoned with ‘ET Go Home’, ‘Stop the Rockets’ and ‘U.F.Off to Rwanda’. AVOID THIS PLANET!
David Silverman
This has to be the hoopiest Space B&B ever – although the gravity is higher than we’re used to, and the atmosphere’s denser, so flying is hard work. The dominant species are all hexapods, but not as like us as they first appear. Many live in huge colonies with a social system that’s positively medieval. They make their dwellings in primitive ways, like digging, or chewing up raw materials into a paste. Most of them are embarrassingly thick, but somehow their colonies live long and prosper. I’m happy to report that the nests are surprisingly comfortable, and the slaves are accommodating, once they’ve twigged what is expected of them. N.B. their reproductive behaviour is weird – sex with the natives is dangerous and definitely a no-no. The planet is also home to large destructive bipeds; hunting them is fun, and guilt-free – they’re not intelligent, and they’ll soon be extinct anyway.
Bob Newman
No. 3386: The big move
You’re invited to submit a poem about domestic arrangements at the White House (16 lines max). Please keep it clean! And email entries tocompetition@spectator.co.uk by 5 February.
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