In Competition 3354 you were invited to put yourselves in the shoes (or head) of a tech billionaire. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Elon Musk provided the most inspiration. Paul Freeman had him intent on world domination:
That bozo Bezos and schmuck Zuck will serve
as jesters to my court. They’ll daily taste
my food in case some traitor has the nerve
to poison it. Their loss will be no waste.
There were also some nicely random Jeff Bezos pensées courtesy of Basil Ransome-Davies. ‘Maybe I’m the Dylan of corporate technology. Or he is the Bezos of popular music?’
The winners are £25 closer to a billion.
From time to time I flick through online news,
And if, by chance, the journal’s not my own,
I sometimes find a less than trusting view
Of all the worldly kindliness I’ve shown.
‘Ye gods, it doth amaze me,’ someone said
In sandals, in a dusty Roman play,
And frankly, I’m astounded by it now,
That ignorance still flourishes today!So listen, guys: the deal is very clear:
A headset that’ll take you to the Moon
Is yours, if you’ll allow a screwed-in wire
To send back brain responses via Zoom.For data harvested, we’ll give receipts,
In case there’s any leakage from the mind.
Enjoy with us this cognitive research,
And think of all the secrets that we’ll find!Nicholas Lee
How doth the tiny microchip
improve a nerd’s net worth –
one geek, through high-tech ownership,
inherits half the earth.
How massively our coffers swell,
and as our e-funds wax,
we spend our dot.com billions well
on philanthropic acts.
Some seek the age-reversal pill,
or take a space-age view,
But mostly we all rush to fill
a welfare fund or two.
We strive to give the dosh away
we’ve gained from matters cyber,
so humankind has cause to say
we’ve moral optic fibre.Janine Beacham
You gotta think out of the box, like there is no box. And you’ve got to question yourself, ask yourself questions even, like what time is it? Is it time for my daily meal of creatine and collagen peptides? And what day is it? Am I scheduled for my colonic irrigation, my session in the hyperbaric chamber? Eternal life, that’s my goal. Not for my own benefit, you understand. I’m a philanthropist, that’s where I’m at, bestowing the gift of immortality on humankind. And as an intellectually superior being I also feel obliged to disseminate my genes, create a super class of tech titans not just servicing but anticipating your every need. Imagine that! Supporting me in this endeavour are my birthing partners, Lotta Kidz and Perpetua Lee-Nockedup, mothers to my 12 children at the last count. Not that I allow them any screen time. You gotta be kidding!
Sue Pickard
When you read your accounts with a giggle and flounce,
But find that it’s Morpheus you cuddle,
And the ledger’s in flames, and they’re calling you names
Since your tax return’s all in a muddleWhile your business, though global, has hardly a snowball’s
Chance of a route to success,
And your ex won’t relent (she owns 80 per cent)
Then the gremlins of stress start to pressAnd you’re no longer certain if opening a curtain
Will reveal that you’re in your four-poster –
Have you had forty winks? Has your business been jinxed?
Are you toast in a bargain-buy toaster?Is the world still your fief? Good God, what relief,
It was only delusional snoozing!
Buy a new football team, or a starship – a dream!
Such nightmares! They’re really amusing!Bill Greenwell (apologies to Iolanthe)
I always loved those stories of kings or princes dressing in commoner clothes to mingle with ordinary folk: a chance to see how the other 99.9 per cent live and, perhaps, find out how much they hate you. In my own way I like to do that too. When you’re using my insanely successful and popular social media app (you’re probably on it this very moment, right?) did it occur to you that I might be lurking there, digitally invisible, listening in as you make your little plans and bitch about your little lives? Occasionally I even contribute banalities of my own, posing as your ‘friend.’ I know it sounds creepy, but I miss the mundanity of NPC life. Sometimes I even borrow an identity and enter competitions predicated on wondering what the musings of people like me really are. Don’t tell anyone, but we fantasise about being like you.
Joseph Houlihan
‘Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.’
That’s from a sonnet by the great Shakespeare.
Before I read it, all my former deeds
Were focused on my striving while I’m here.
Those lilies led me to another thought:
That, after many wins, I might yet fail
And critics in the papers will report
That my reputed skill was all a tale.
In spite of my successes, when I’m dead
The world could think I failed. That would smell bad,
Far worse than if I had not pushed ahead
But lived my life content with what I had.
I’ll die, but not decay. I have chosen
Cryogenics, staying fresh while frozen.David Blakey
No. 3357: Midsummer
‘The sukebind is late this year.’ You’re invited to submit a passage or poem that includes this phrase or a variation of it (150 words/16 lines maximum). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk by 3 July.
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