In Competition 3381 you were invited to write a proposal for the rebranding of a well-known product/entity to aim it at an entirely different market. It was of course inspired by Jaguar’s gender-fluid relaunch ad, which has already somehow faded into distant memory by now.
The idea here was to rebrand an existing thing rather than reinvent it, but the lines blurred sometimes. Among those deserving a mention: D.A. Prince’s idea to reposition the National Trust as a body that looks after wild coastlines and historic houses etc, which seemed like a crowd-pleaser. Basil Ransome-Davies took over Liz Truss’s PR (‘It’s irony, stupid. Liz’s career is performance art at its most adroit’); George Simmers did a deft pitch in fluent Gen Z-speak directing young concert-goers towards the Zimmer frame (‘What you need is a well dank small portable frame that gives support even through the longest set’). Then there was David Harris’s plan to change the British Museum’s name to ‘World Library’ and hand everything back (‘All our Afghan collection… has been earmarked by the Taliban Centre for Cultural Destruction’). The £25 prizes go to the following.
The proposal objective is to widen the target audience from existing users who either cease to exist or who struggle with brand recognition due to cognitive decline. Repositioning the product as hip beyond the sense of orthopaedic replacement could be achieved via advertisements featuring iconic figures such as Johnny Depp playing air guitar at the foot of the stairs or a pulchritudinous social media influencer straddling a wipe-clean seat, naked. Product safety benefits may resonate with younger generations sharply attuned to H&S considerations, such as use of the handy remote to transport numberless Amazon packages, at speeds approaching 0.34 miles per hour, to upper levels thus avoiding the risk of repetitive strain injury and guaranteed safe descent of the stairs while focused on mobile phone screens. The following strapline is recommended to transform the product from cheugy to Gucci (check Gen Z terminology): ‘Stairlift Solutions for the Upwardly Mobile.’
Sue Pickard
Crikey! Private company one year, political party the next: recognising we need to engage tomorrow’s voters while you’re still raffishly vaping behind the bike sheds, Reform rebrands as a good old-fashioned kiddies comic for 2025. Edited by yours truly Uncle Nigel, there’ll be weekly cartoon strips featuring all your favourite British superheroes; Old Winnie, Biggles, Lord Haw-Haw and the blessed Enoch. They’ll be getting into all manner of scrapes, as can you by following ‘Colonel’ Lee Anderson’s series How to Start a Fight or my top tips for jiggering a smart meter. There’ll be smashing prizes for scabby-kneed readers able to tie fancy knots in the ECHR, solve crosswords comprising verboten vocabulary or inspire unrestrained guffaws with a fruity golfing anecdote. For the ladies, there may even be room for the occasional recipe, space permitting. With free silver dollars attached to every weekly issue (cheers, Elon!), it’ll be unmissable.
Adrian Fry
The Royal Mail’s teen-friendly rebrand features Postman Pat as tattooed hipster who delivers post by skateboard, drone, or motorbike courier. Greendale will become a gritty suburb of London, where Pat uses high-tech tracking, big wave surfing and parkour moves for parcel delivery, accompanied by hot female postie sidekick Penny Black. Xbox games in which Pat defeats dangerous dogs, storms, hail and badly addressed parcels will be heavily advertised on TikTok. Funky graffiti tag logos shall decorate pillar boxes, while digital screens instruct people on sending parcels. Posties will be chosen for their hotness factor, and the delivery service includes pizza options. Stamp collecting is to be promoted as a creative, edgy, Instagrammable hobby. Post offices must offer nail bars and coffee machines. Royal Mail will also sponsor concerts, such as the Billie Eilish Bash for Bill-Paying, the Beyoncé Tracking Numbers Tour, and the Swiftie Show for Express Delivery.
Janine Beacham
To the Trustees of Glyndebourne
Dear Fellow Trustees, We have an image problem: grand, elitist, removed from ordinary people. But Christmas TV has given me a brilliant idea to change this once and for all. Next summer, we ditch two weeks of the Festival – and have a World Darts Championship in the opera house. There’s so much synergy. Our audiences already love overweight performers sweating profusely in improbable costumes two sizes too small. We’ll give the players special ‘Glyndebourne’ names – just imagine a final of ‘Madame Chucker-fly’ vs ‘Marriage of Big-arrows’. And our patrons are bound to love the musical crossover opportunities – think of the chants! ‘One hundred an-DANTE!’ for every maximum; ‘Your throwing hand is frozen’ for every miss; and – of course – all those moments when the black-tied audience rises as one and sings ‘STAND UP IF YOU LOVE THE ARTS’. ‘The Darts – But At Glyndebourne’. Bullseye!!
Tom Adam
Quality Street is a national treasure, but needs to resonate more with the current zeitgeist – concerns for diversity, mental health, empathy, body positivity. We need to demonstrate the key role Quality Street plays in promoting these. Packaging should reflect this. The imagery on the tin could emulate the style and message of The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse, also featuring Mr Men/Little Ms/Mx characters with Quality Street shaped bodies and colours. The strapline? ‘Equality Street. The milk chocolate of human kindness. Because love comes in all colours, shapes and sizes!’ Lists of ingredients should highlight the health benefits – chocolate truffle for feel-good dopamine, serotonin and pheromones; strawberry and orange crème, two of the ‘5-a-day’, for mood-enhancing vitamins; hazelnut triangle and coconut eclair for vital phytochemicals combating depression. In troubled times, in short, Equality Street fosters peace of mind, caring and surely, ultimately, world peace.
David Silverman
No. 3384: Pinch punch
You are invited to send in a short story featuring someone who is a slave to superstition (150 words maximum). Please email entries to competition@spectator.co.uk by 22 January.
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