Ian Barker The problem is all about having a legacy. You need to be sure they will remember you, you see. When it comes down to it I think you will agree, There must be 50 ways to leave the White House.
Once you’ve left office there is something they’ll all know, Whether you’re Lincoln, Cleveland, Garfield or Monroe. One thing that you’re famous for, a legend that will grow, One of the 50 ways to leave the White House.
A new nation you forge, George. Make sure you’re well liked, Ike. No need for a trick, Dick, Or impeached you will be. For JFK it’s a real boon, If we can go to the Moon soon. See the Soviet Bloc gone, Ron, And its people set free.
Mike Morrison At 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Take it from me there will be plenty more like you No matter if you’re full of fake or full of true There must be fifty ways to leave the White House
What you became you couldn’t know it at your birth We voted you to host the greatest show on earth Until you realised exactly what it’s worth To be the loner and the loser in the lighthouse
Shoulda snuck out the back, Barack Just gone for a walk, Polk You needed the push, Bush Your days were all done
Time came to rub ya, Dubya We didn’t trust a word, Bird Oh boy were you daft, Taft Now each of you’s gone.
Max Ross And did those feet in former times Walk proudly through the White House doors? Did Lincoln, Wilson, Eisenhower And Reagan know these famous floors?
How did they leave, these powerful lords? Bequeathing us some famous phrase? Do echoes of their acts remain Today in half a hundred ways?
How did they leave their hallowed halls Who wore a crown of thorny fame? With gladness, sadness, and renown? With sorrow, with regret or shame?
With gentle humour, hope or hurt? With cruelty, kindness, blame or praise? The whisper of their last goodbye We sense perhaps in fifty ways.
Bill Greenwell Well, why not die pneumonic’ly, although it is embarrassin? That was the studied exit plan of William Henry Harrison — He briefly sneezed to death, a chief with fine but fatal quality. There must be fifty ways to leave the White House and its polity.
Or take a bullet in the gut, and wait till it is gangrenous — (The man who shot McKinley said, ‘Dear Sir, you have been ang’rin us’) — He died inside a fortnight in a small Niagara snuggery. There must be fifty ways to leave the White House’s skulduggery.
Or eat raw cherries, bag yourself a case of general cholera — Like Taylor (known as Zachary), a very careless swallerer — He also drank some freezing milk, which gave a chilly lactic hiss. There must be fifty ways to leave the White House and its practices.
Or feed the world some fibs until it’s filling to capacity, As Richard Nixon did, since he was porous with mendacity – When he flew out, Columbia was torchless and wore tattered hems. There must be fifty ways to leave the White House and its stratagems.
Paul Freeman ‘Jobs in the Oval Office can lack longevity, Some folk leave on their hands and knees,’ Trump said to me. ‘And others end up in the penitentiary — There’s more than fifty ways to leave the White House.
‘It’s very easy when you work for me to fail, “SAD”, exclamation point, coz you may be facing jail. The best you can hope for is a pardoning or bail, There’s more than fifty ways to leave the White House.’
Get fired by a Tweet, Pete, More time with your spouse, Klaus, Just fall on your sword, Maude And your penance is done.
Give the whistle a blow, Joe, No need to confess, Jess, Zip your lip when in court, Mort And your penance is done.
Your next challenge is to compose a clerihew about any date in the calendar. Please email entries (up to three each) to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 6 November.
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