Spectator competition winners: ‘Alex Salmond/has been grilled, gutted and gammoned…’: clerihews about contemporary politicians

Everyone loves a clerihew, its seems. The request for ones about contemporary politicians drew an enormous and excellent entry — from veterans and newbies alike — and even included a couple of limericks for good measure. For the avoidance of doubt, the clerihew is a comic four-line (AABB) poem characterised by metrical irregularity and awkward rhyme. Here’s an example from — who better? — the form’s inventor, E.C. Bentley:

Sir Humphry Davy Abominated gravy. He lived in the odium Of having discovered sodium.

Popular rhymes included ‘charmer’ and ‘Starmer’; ‘Boris’ and ‘Horace’; ‘Sturgeon’ and ‘burgeon’; ‘Corbyn’ and ‘absorbing’. Putin likes to ‘put the boot in’, apparently, and that David Davis is, by common consent, a ‘rara avis’. Dr Bob Turvey and Jerry Emery submitted strikingly similar clerihews — one about Donald Trump; the other Diane Abbott — whose third and fourth lines ran roughly as follows: ‘When he opens his mouth/ his brain goes south’. There was much to admire and it was tricky to sift the best from the merely good. Those that made the cut are printed below and earn their authors £8 each. Commiserations to the rest.

Frank McDonald Alex Salmond Has been grilled, gutted and gammoned And got porridge poured over his wee bit of glory By a big evil Tory.

David Silverman Ed Balls Rises and falls: They say he’s a Blairite Fred Astaire-ite

D.A. Prince Angela Merkel is one of the (small) magic circle whose country rates ’em as statesmen.

Nicholas Stone Ian Paisley Ranted crazily. But is Ian Paisley junior Loonier?

Iain Morley Theresa May No longer holds sway — For seeing off Corbyn and his iffy cult Proved too BLOODY DIFFICULT.

Chris O’Carroll Justin Trudeau Looks like a great North American leader, although, To be fair, the guy next door Has made that easier than it was before.

Brian Murdoch To where has Diane Abbott Got? ‘No idea’, said Theresa, Glancing at her freezer.

John Oxley Lady Nugee Is far richer than me, But to seem ordinary, She goes by Thornberry.

Adrian Fry Yvette Cooper Made not a single blooper, In the election campaign, reckoning it wiser to be       invisible Than risible.

Alex Galloway Ben Gummer Couldn’t be glummer. It’s not much fun Being John Selwyn’s son.

Bill Greenwell Jacob Rees-Mogg Is a Thunderer sprog: But his manner is less irate And he lives in 1798.

Frank Upton Mike Pence Is considered in the future tense Should Trump Go bump.

Basil Ransome-Davies Donald Trump Resembles a lump Of misshapen fat Topped by an overweight bottle-blond rat.

W.J. Webster Angela Merkel Squares a circle by producing a squircle: As her party trick It seems to click.

Tim Raikes Angela Merkel’s Inner circle Would never choose Theresa’s shoes.

Carolyn Beckingham ‘Should I dye my hair auburn?’ Asks Jeremy Corbyn, ‘Or should it be red Instead?’

Rob Stuart Nicola Sturgeon Is a would-be political surgeon Who’d gladly affect a wee Rest-of-the-UK-ectomy.

Nick Hodgson Mike Pence Waits in suspense, Hoping that they’ll dump Trump.

Brian Allgar Emmanuel Macron Wears suits made of dacron. OK, I made that up, but President Macron’s chief       crime Is that he doesn’t rhyme.

Sylvia Fairley Nicola Sturgeon Thinks that Scotland needs purgin’, She can’t wait to see the backs Of the Sassenachs.

Your next challenge is to submit a sonnet that takes as its opening line Keats’s ‘Why did I laugh tonight? No voice will tell:’. Please email entries, wherever possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 5 July.