Lucy Vickery

Spectator competition winners: Henry VIII on Donald Trump

The latest competition, to submit an extract from a speech in which a well-known figure from history comments on a pressing item on today’s news agenda, saw you on blistering form. Rob Stuart gave Pythagorus’ view on the new Toblerone (not a fan); Frank Upton offered Thomas Crapper’s perspective on transgender public conveniences; Michael McManus delivered St Paul’s Letter to the Climatians (‘…let no rubbish escape recycling and resurrection); and Brian Miller imagined Winston Churchill on Ed Balls’s Strictly efforts (‘We will not say that Balls danced like a hero, but that heroes dance like Balls.’) The winners take £25. The bonus fiver is Brian Allgar’s.

Brian Allgar/Henry VIII We, Henry, hereby do encourage thee To act against the dread LGBT. Unnatural! We’ve had a wife or two Who craved the nameless things that women do, Ofttimes requiring strange vibrating toys. Our bishops seek debauchery with boys, And what new devilry now plagues us, when Some men turn female, women change to men? Yet which is which? We do not care to guess. All this, and more, we urge thee to suppress, For we are made of proper manly stuff, And sink our sceptre in a bit of fluff. Shouldst thou appear before us, we would say ‘Arise, Sir Donald, Knight of AntiGay!’ Thy virile maiden-groping is no crime; We, too, have grabbed much pussy in our time.

G.M. Davis/Napoleon I I confess my astonishment. Who can credit it? Albion perfide herself, by a vote of the clamorous rabble, has chosen to adopt the Continental System which I invented to wage economic warfare against her. This is more than puzzling, but other grave questions pose themselves on the subject of national leadership. Does it not imperatively require at this fateful juncture a man like myself — charismatic, bold, a natural leader who follows his star to an august destiny? Only an innovator, an overruler of conventional restrictions, a man certain of his historic role possessing the will to prove the worth of that self-assurance through victory, can break the chains of sluggish mediocrity and restore national pride.

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