Spectator competition winners: poems about conspiracy theories

In Competition No. 3334 you were invited to submit a poem about conspiracy theories.

Trawling the net for examples, I found, alongside the more familiar ones – a reptilian elite, JFK’s assassination, commie fluoridation – whispers of chemicals in the water to turn the frogs gay and that Finland is a myth.

In a hotly contested week, Adrian Fry, Sylvia Smith, Janine Beacham, Nicholas Lee and Nick MacKinnon earn honourable mentions while the prizewinners, printed below, snaffle £25 apiece.

Our WhatsApp know what’s what. We know
the council’s spying on our bins
with microchip-type spyware, so
they know who puts out unwashed tins.
Ken says they read our post as well
and pick on those who read the Sun
and the Express, and they can tell
the way we vote and Dave’s the one
who says the bins will programme us
until we can’t think for ourselves
and then we’ll end up like Liz Truss,
all lookalikes for Santa’s Elves.
There’s cameras watching us all round,
not just for speeding but to spot
the skiving smokers, offie-bound.
Oh yes, our WhatsApp knows what’s what.

D.A. Prince

They seek us here, they seek us there;
They spy on all we do.
They’re out to change the way we live
And master me and you.
They’ve secret files on UFOs
But keep their knowledge back
And one day when we’re least prepared
The aliens will attack.
God knows what plans they have for war.
We’ll be the last to know;
Then out of nowhere we’ll be told
It’s time to face some foe.
Sweeping aside our pleas they say
We sing the same old song.
Conspiracy theorists we may be.
It doesn’t mean we’re wrong.

Frank McDonald

Fakery, wokery,
Jiggery-pokery,
Making us think what they want us to think;
Daggers-and-cloakery,
Fake fairy-folkery,
All politicians belong in the clink.

Moon landings, Covid and Elvis and Di,
Climate change doomsters: ‘We’re all gonna fry’ –

Lies! Hocus-pokery,
Practical jokery,
Fake news to lead us a right merry dance;
Mirrors-and-smokery,
Hokum ‘mis-spokery’ –
Invoke John and Yokery:
Give Truth a Chance.

David Silverman