Lucy Vickery

Spectator competition winners: poems in praise of naked cyclists

Photo by Natalie Behring/Getty Images

In Competition No. 3166 you were invited to supply a poem either celebrating or lamenting the cancellation of Philadelphia’s annual naked cycle ride.

This enormously popular event, whose aim is to promote body positivity and eco-awareness, sees throngs of cyclists, in varying degrees of undress (total nudity optional), complete a ten-mile course around the streets of Philly. This was to have been its twelfth year, but then Covid struck.

The inevitable smut was tempered by echoes of Wordsworth and Browning. In a large field, I admired Richard Spencer’s neat reworking of ‘Daisy Bell’; Maggie McLean, and Janine Beacham also shone. The winners, printed below, pocket £30 each.

Philly medics are assessing Covid risks, and it’s depressing;They’re determined to be messing with our ride,(That’s our cycling expedition where the public exhibitionOf the parts used for coition is our pride.)They say danger must require us all to halt this nasty virus, Whose spreading should inspire us all with fear; Which has left us now agreeing with reluctance to there beingNo nudie jamboreeing for this year. So it’s no go for the pleasure naked-cycle fans most treasure —But next year we want full measure of our fun,In that carnival of baring I shall give my bits full airing,As is proper — yes, I’m swearing: twenty-oneShall see me willy-nilly biking in the buff through Philly:Be it warm or be it chilly, I’ll be there.With a nice girl on my pillion showing off her neat Brazilian,I’ll be happier than any squillionaire. George Simmers

Whatever could be healthierThan cycling PhiladelphiaBuck naked as the day that we were born?But ‘textiles’ have been meddlingWith outdoor nudist pedalling;They’d let us ride, I bet, if clothes were worn. This bogus Covid maniaPermits old PennsylvaniaTo keep us sheathed if we would mount the saddle.That they have the abilityTo so constrain our LibertyInfuriates all fans of unclothed travel. We

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