Spectator competition winners: politically correct Christmas carols

The festive challenge was to submit a politically correct Christmas carol. One of Donald Trump’s election pledges was to end ‘the war on Christmas’, and he has given the electorate the presidential nod to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again instead of the more inclusive ‘Happy holidays’. But was this ‘war’ a pointless and misguided one in the first place? Adam Gopnik, writing in the New Yorker, has pointed out that Christmas ‘is, at its roots, the very model of a pagan-secular-synthetic festival as much as it is a religious one — just the kind, in fact, that the imaginary anti-Christmas forces are supposed to favour…’. He concludes: ‘The war on Christmas is over. Christmas won.’ So, safe in the knowledge that Donald Trump would approve, I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Thank you, as ever, for your clever, thoughtful and well made entries — and occasional competition suggestions. Keep them coming next year. Strong performers this week were Ian Barker, Pat Lowther and P.T. Brown. They each earn an honourable mention. The winners pocket £25 each.

Adrian Fry God help ye, merry gentlemen, You’re making girls distraite, Your incorrect behaviours Quite spoil their holiday Put your misogynistic jokes And mistletoe away! Or whinings of piety shall cloy, Ever shall cloy, O, whinings of piety shall cloy.

Basil Ransome-Davies While shepherds ate their vegan gruel, Inclusive and right-on, Their fire was free of fossil fuel, Yet with great warmth it shone.

A visitor appeared to them From unpolluted skies To tell them ‘go to Bethlehem, You’ll get a big surprise.

You’ll find a magic baby there Newborn by natural birth Whose eco-mission will prepare To green this fallen Earth.’

Once there, along with three Bame kings Who bore the infant gifts Of healthy and organic things, They worshipped Christ in shifts.

Max Ross We’re dreaming of a nice winter With roads made clear of ice and snow, Just a bland occasion, no ostentation, And street lamps giving us a glow. We’re dreaming of a sound season With people free to choose their feast, Where no greetings selfishly exclude, And no monarchs patronise the least. We’re dreaming of a cool Christmas To state whose colour would be rude, Where the folk are thrifty, and health and safety Concerns all neighbours as it should. We’re dreaming of the year coming With no one special or select; May your months be models of care, And may all your actions be correct.

Bill Greenwell O come all ye faithful Also non-believers Also all Islamists and Sikhs and Jews Also all pagans And the Zoroastrians O dulce et decorum In saecula saeculorum Or if you like, ignore him Christ the Lord

Regardless of gender And of orientation O come ye O come ye if you so choose Birds bees and insects Any stance on Brexit O dulce etc. etc.

Brian Allgar The Lord at first did Adam make Out of the dust and clay. That was his first and worst mistake — We suffer to this day.

For women were an afterthought, A rib excised from Adam; We’re simply here for macho sport, Each Miss or Ms. or Madam.

And others feel the same distress; They share our sorry plight: Dismissed by Adam’s kind, unless They’re male and straight and white.

So next time, Lord, you feel inclined To tinker with the clay, Create a prototype ‘mankind’ Who’s female, black, and gay.

Alanna Blake While politicians watched their backs And Brexit dates came round A Christmas message filled the screens And welcome was the sound. ‘Fear not,’ it said, ‘the Great Godhead Salutes all neuterkind, Equality is planned for all Created in Its mind.

Resolve in future to embrace Most races as your own, Let everyone kneel down to praise All gods on one great throne. Good cheer to people everywhere, To beast and fowl and fish, Change state and gender when inclined To fit each passing wish.

Your next challenge is to submit a biblical parable rewritten in the style of a well-known author (please specify). Please email (wherever possible) entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 9 January.